Reflection

It’s easy to think of our reflection as the image we see in the mirror, but true reflection, digging deep to see the person we are at the root of our being requires so much more than a superficial glance at a shiny piece of glass.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time these past few weeks remembering, reflecting and truly questioning my beliefs, ideals and the life I have been living. I am in the midst of major change and transition; the life I choose to live now need not follow old patterns that no longer serve me.I’m learning to see myself in a new light, to own my emotions and let my wants and desires matter more than yours, whoever YOU may be. And it’s hard, but every day, it gets incrementally easier.

But I digress, REFLECTION.

I recently read an article about a woman’s gaypiphany and as the words flashed in front of my eyes, I found myself reading faster, taking it all in, eagerly devouring each syllable of her story. I felt an instant connection, to this woman, who could love another woman so completely.

Because, I’m pretty sure I’ve always loved women. If I’m honest with myself, there is a definite correlation between the presence of a special woman in my life and times of true happiness and personal satisfaction. And now that I’m in a relationship with a woman who accepts me as I am, I’ve discovered I crave a level of affection and closeness that I never knew I wanted.

My friend asked me recently, “all this time, you really NEVER considered that maybe you’re just gay?”

And the truth is, I didn’t.

I had a boyfriend, who became a husband and I also desired women. So what? Although some people choose not to acknowledge it, bisexuality is real, and bisexuality is beautiful. I have long believed that I love people, not their gender and I think that will always be true for me.

But when I left my husband and contemplated dating, I didn’t even consider a man. Not for a second.

What that all means, I don’t know. But, for the first time in my life, I’m considering the possibility that I could simply be a lesbian. I reflect on this, not because I need to fit in some stereotypical box to make things easier for society, but because I’m finally learning to dig deep and listen to my emotions and give them a voice in the life I choose to lead. But I know there is no need to rush; for now, I’m going to adore my girl, acknowledge my feelings and let my true self emerge.

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