I close my eyes, willing time to move at unimaginable speeds.
I see a future filled with laughter, joy, sly smiles and affection that makes my heart sing. The children are climbing trees and building forts, the chickens are trotting through the garden happily consuming bugs, there’s dirt under my fingernails and fresh vegetables grasped in my hands. And beside me, is the most amazing woman, sharing this journey we call life.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to manipulate time and space, so when my eyelids flicker open, I’m confronted by reality. And I do the only sane thing; I close my eyes again, hoping to find my way back to the picturesque life we may one day share.
But instead, I see my world crumbling around me. I see the consequences of my choices, I feel the emotions I’ve endured and the pain I’ve inflicted. I see, so clearly, the moments when I could have chosen a different path, when I could have changed my life, but didn’t.
And I feel my confidence waiver, I question my ability to see a situation clearly, to understand my own limitations and above all, my ability to make decisions that will benefit me.
And there it is, hiding behind my eyelids, taunting me.