When I decided to date, I wanted to meet someone special,but not too special. Someone to help satisfy my physical needs and possibly form a distant, but existent, emotional connection.
If I’m honest, I wanted a friend with benefits.
But I’m not really built for a friends with benefits kind of scenario; I’m the girl that’s attracted to personality and doesn’t have a ‘type’ because the most defining trend in all my relationships, is an emotional connection. But, I really wanted to meet someone, so I chanced the internet, made myself a profile and was fortunate enough to meet a girl.
A girl who has exceeded every possible expectation; who embraces me wholly and has seemingly never ending patience while I discover just exactly who I am. I feel lucky to have a girl who never questions my feelings, who feels the intensity of our connection so clearly, that she never hesitates to assure well-meaning friends my intentions are pure. She never pressures me to label myself prematurely or to be more than I’m ready to be. That alone is enough to make me want to be more: for me, for her, for us.
But I’m not sure what exactly that means, more what?
Instinctively, the answer is more gay, but I don’t really buy into that. Gay is a label, a single word used to describe sexuality; a personal, emotional understanding, deep within the core of our being that we can only strive to understand, honor and respect. I want to be more authentic, more honest and more true to myself. I want to be more ME than I’ve ever been before.
With my girl by my side, I have begun to venture into a community that I feared I had not earned the right to join, but not once have I felt judged for having been with a man. Instead I feel welcomed, comfortable and assured of a safe space where I can hold hands, embrace and kiss my sweet girl with abandon.
And the more I do those things, the more right they feel.