I’ve been working hard to be conscious in my thoughts, to feel the feelings and to pay attention when I’m feeling indifference, sadness and everything in between. It’s been a lesson in self awareness and I feel much more in tune with my personal feelings than I have ever felt.
But feeling feelings is only one step in this journey and its time for me to start dipping my toe in the cool waters ahead if I want to keep moving forward.
As children we are often asked what we want to be; its curious that we put so much thought into something that is rooted in external forces and society. What do you want to be implies a job, a career the thing that you will be for 40 or so hours a week, that will earn you money to pay for your home, your food and your belongings.
But asking what we want to be, says nothing for the life that we dream of living, of the traits we value in people and the person that we dream of being. Perhaps if I had been asked who I want to be instead of what, I wouldn’t struggle so much with this seemingly simple question.
Who do I want to be?
I feel like, at 35 years old, I should know with certainty who I want to be, but I don’t. I’ve put so much energy into what I wanted to be, a good mother, a good wife/partner, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good boss even a good person, that I’ve forgotten to ask who it is that I want to be.