As I ponder who I want to be, I find myself reading, breathing and reliving the posts I’ve written over the past year. Some of them are so raw, fresh with pain and confusion, while others show hints of my growth, confidence and strength.
I am conscious that looking backwards may cause me to trip and stumble as I make my way forward; I know the past cannot be changed, and I’m not one to dwell on what could have been or what I should have done. However, for me, evaluating where I’ve been seems an important step if I want to understand where it is that I’m going.
After years of feeling I needed to be more and do more, I met someone who told me I was enough, that I was strong and capable and perfect just as I was. Someone who showed me what it meant to be cared for, to be supported and what it felt like to accept all that she offered. And it was amazing, for a time.
I see now, that just as I lost myself in caring for him, I began to lose myself in letting her care for me.
So easily, I slipped into a new reality, embroiled with old habits, where I could just be. But now is not the time for me to be, it is the time for me to become, to grow, to change.
As the fog lifts, I’m beginning to see; in order to shine, I cannot stoke another’s flame, nor can I be fueled by another. I must stand strong, proud and independent.
If I’m lucky, one day I may find someone who shines just as bright and side by side we will light up our world together. But that potential partnership is a nice to have, not a need to have; until then, I shall continue striving to shine brightly and light my own way.