Recently, I commented that when I ended my relationship with my ex-husband, he wanted to go to counselling to try and fix things, but I refused. My girlfriend replied simply, you can’t ‘fix’ gay and we both laughed.
But she’s absolutely right, I was square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Trying to make the life I thought I was supposed to want fulfill and satisfy me in a way it never could. But that’s not why I left, there were many facets of my marriage that should have prompted me to leave before I did, and sadly, I’m not sure exploring my sexuality even makes the list.
It’s taken me a long time to accept that I am a lesbian, even though in my heart, I’ve probably always known. I’ve been attracted to women as long as I can remember, I just never stopped to question whether I was truly attracted to men. I’ve come to realize that my willingness to accept a man in my life, was the very thing that was keeping me from accepting that I was gay.
I recently read a blog post that stated your sexual history does not diminish your sexuality and all day long, those words ran through my mind. Until only a few months ago, I had been the one allowing my sexual history to prevent me from moving forward, from being free and most of all, from embracing and celebrating that I am gay.
But now that I’ve accepted it, I’m owning it like nobody’s business. I’m not all rainbows and unicorns, but I’m not hiding either. I put pictures of my girlfriend up at work and when coworkers and acquaintances ask about my weekend, you can bet I mention her too.
I will not be defined by my past (by myself or by anyone else) because I am not that girl anymore; THIS girl is gay and gives exactly zero fucks if you approve.