When I started my journey I had a hard time responding to my counselor’s simple inquiry, ‘what are you doing for you?’ I had spent the better part of the last decade being everything for everyone and wearing every hat on the rack except for the one that defined me. I was so raw, uncertain who I was if I wasn’t a mother and a wife first; I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hear my heart sing, but I desperately wanted to find my voice.
What started as small cautious steps a year ago, turned into a full blown run and I almost can’t remember what’s on the other side of the mountains that I’ve climbed and descended. However, I must never forget where I’ve come from and everything that I’ve learned on this journey; because I’m never going back there.
My path may waver but I refuse to double back and so I remain conscious. I listen, actively, to me, to what I want, and I let my priorities be only my own. And honestly, those priorities change each and every day as I navigate the world, my relationships and my reality trying to find a balance that satisfies my soul.
We all deserve that, the freedom to change; to change our mind, to change our priorities, to change our practices and most of all the freedom to change our lives. Change is the only constant in life and yet there’s the push to meet expectations, to want what society wants and to conform. I had this belief once that getting married to a man and having babies was THE DREAM and I was subconsciously terrified to admit that I wanted, no needed, my life to drastically change directions if I was to find happiness.
Changing my life has been both the most difficult and the most rewarding experience; true transformation wasn’t possible for me until I asked myself who I wanted to be and actually began to question everything that I had previously known to be true.
After months of tears, confusion and overwhelming emotions what emerged was the most beautiful, true version of me. I am a strong, confident, gay mom that is living her truth, creating her own happiness and doing whatever the fuck feels right in the moment and THAT is what I’m doing for me.