I will be me

When my girlfriend and I started dating it was very organic and natural; there was an undeniable attraction and chemistry that could only be kept at bay for so long. But that didn’t stop me from worrying that I (no WE) would be to much for her; because its not just me, it will never, ever just be me.

I come with two tiny humans that walk the earth, exploring their surroundings in pursuit of becoming amazing little men. These boys are literally made from my heart and soul, grown in my belly and birthed from my being. They are my everything.

I have learned, I am more than my ‘mom hat’ but I wear that crown proudly because I am the lucky one to have the opportunity to love and protect those two boys. I am a mother and just as I will not let that define me, nor will I lose that piece of me.

And for a time, I worried that my (younger) girlfriend, with no responsibilities of similar magnitude would be overwhelmed and walk away. But she has embraced, step by step, the circus that accompanies me and together (along with my boys) we are figuring out what our new reality looks like.

It turns out however, that it wasn’t my girlfriend I needed to worry about. I am a strong woman, I am independent and quite frankly, I get shit done. But in the midst of a yet another enormous life shift, the woman I considered my best friend has all but disappeared.

After a month of awkwardness, this evening I found myself sitting on a log, staring at a frozen pond, tears running down my cheeks as I tried to understand. I wanted it to be something that I could fix, but I didn’t own any of the possible scenarios before me; they weren’t fixable by me.

At the end of the day, I’m still crying,; I’m no longer confused, I’m hurt, I’m sad and I’m disappointed because all this time I thought that we were in IT together. But I see now she’s not sure she wants that anymore because its hard and its real. She wants to drink wine, bullshit and redefine our friendship so that it can fit in the stereotypical box of what friends are ‘supposed’ to look like.

And the thing is, although I want to be able to do that, I don’t know that I can.

I don’t fit in boxes and I am not like the other girls.

I have spent the last year and a half learning to accept and embrace myself, learning to live my truth and honour the song of my heart. And if all of that is too much, if I am too much, I apologize, but I will not cram myself back into that metaphorical box for anyone.

Tears and broken heart or not, I will stand proud and I will be me.
But I do hope she finds her way back.

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