Choose Love

I had a chat today with another Mom in town; her son plays regularly with my boys. Although we’ve talked many times, we’ve never really crossed the bridge into friendship. Today however, we had some honest conversation, that makes me feel like we may one day be friends.

In our conversation, she told me her son had asked about my Girlfriend and I and she told him quite simply, ‘just like at our house there’s a Mommy and Daddy, its like a Mommy and Mommy.’ Apparently he nodded and happily continued on with whatever he was doing, and she commented that although kids are curious, they really don’t care.

And that’s exactly the point; when we don’t make a big deal about things, neither do kids. They truly have an intuitive acceptance for others, provided we don’t teach them otherwise.

Which begs the question, why do so many people choose intolerance?

When adults talk about things that are different (whether that be religion, race, sexuality of anything else) without judgement and without prejudice, not only are we choosing acceptance, we are spreading a message of tolerance to our children and future generations of society.

So I urge you, choose acceptance, choose tolerance and above all, choose love.

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Obviously ‘Out’

I recently received a message that included reference to me being ‘obviously out’ (in a totally positive way) and it made me realize how not only my sexuality, but also my perspective, has changed over the past year. Once, I worried that someone would notice my longing gazes were directed at women, but today I find myself grinning when a stranger can identify that I’m gay (especially when my girlfriend isn’t by my side). In no way do I need the validation of strangers or society, but to me, their acknowledgement tells me that my that my exterior is finally a true reflection of who I am on the inside.

I’ve only been ‘out’ for a short time and I still remember feeling cautious, unsure what it would mean to truly feel the feelings that I had. I worried about being judged and becoming a topic of small town gossip. And I even worried that the societal perception that I had a shitty ex-husband and was ‘off men for a while’ might be true (to be clear, its definitely not). I spent a lot time in my head trying to understand what the implications would be if I was gay, if I was out and if people knew that it was women, and not men, that I was attracted to. I think at some level I was simply afraid that my life would be harder if I was gay.

And the truth is, in some ways my life probably is harder, but without question, it’s also happier. I’ll take hard and happy over easy and miserable every single day of the week, and I guess in a sense, we do. My girlfriend and I live in a small mining town, and although I wouldn’t consider everyone in our town inclusive and accepting, there certainly is a subset of the population that are. Since my girlfriend moved in 7 months ago she’s continually amazed how many people know who she is and what our situation is. People know her name, my name, my kids name and the days they are at their dad’s and they have no problem bringing it up and that’s just our reality.

The truth is, it matters a lot less what others think than I ever expected. Perhaps for the first time in my life, my heart is guiding my path and my journey and that gives me the strength to dismiss those that are not worthy of my time or energy.

Today, the happy I’ve earned by being me, far outweighs the fear I had when I felt scared and alone. Never in my wildest dreams could I have anticipated how freeing it would feel to unravel my grip on the life society told me to strive for and instead allow my fingertips to waver in the wind of my soul.

So homo

I love that my girlfriend has helped me embrace the humour of gay stereotypes. Last week, I pulled up in my lifted truck, wearing my flannel and listening to loud pop music and I had to giggle as she smiled while announcing I was ‘so homo’.

The first time I heard her say something was ‘so gay’, ‘so homo’ or ‘gayer than us’ I was surprised and a little bit confused. Was it ok to say that? Ok to laugh? I’ve come to realize that its all about the intent.

As gay women, we may be walking a fine line by using words that historically have had negative connotations, but its our choice to own them. It is our perogative to find joy and humour in societies perceptions. The truth is, as individuals and as a couple, we DO fit some gay stereotypes and that’s OK.

We are living our truth, being ourselves and finding our unique brand of happy and that includes embracing our sexuality and our place within a world that is evolving in its acceptance of those that don’t meet traditional expectations.

So when my girlfriend tells me my body language screams gay, I wear that label with pride and a smile on my face, because it turns out, I am in fact, ‘so homo’.

I’m Glowing

I’ve had a lot of people tell me lately that I am ‘glowing’ in my pictures on social media, that I look so happy and that people are proud of me for finding my happiness and being true to myself. And I can’t help but wonder, if my people can see THAT much from my photographs, what must they see when I’m standing right in front of them?

My parents spent some time at my house last week and although I missed it, my lovely girlfriend caught my dad looking at the two of us, and smiling as we all shared a meal. Then when we went to the pub for dinner, my mom pulled out her camera and asked us to smile for a photo; it turned out terrible, but when she posted it to Facebook the post was accompanied with a simple ‘Happiness <3′. I just couldn’t tell her to take the picture down, such a public compliment and expression of her acceptance of our love.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’ve been spoiled with acceptance when its come to my being out. My cousin is getting married in September and when my invitation arrived, I was excited to see a plus one included and promptly asked my girlfriend if she was free and up for the family affair that is a wedding.

And then I realized, my cousin isn’t on social media, maybe he didn’t know I was gay. Maybe his wife’s family is homophobic. Maybe my gramma is homophobic. And suddenly, RSVPing wasn’t quite as simple as it had once been. But when I contacted my cousin to check in, he told me quite simply ‘I know about the love of your life, and yes she’s invited.‘ And my mom assured me that she had already talked to her mom and although she sometimes speaks without thinking (don’t we all), there was nothing to worry about when it came to gramma either.

Just like that, I realized that our crazy circus, my boys and my girl are going to a wedding and my entire family is going to see all my damn happy. If they can’t see the joy and authenticity that this life brings me, when I’m standing right in front of them, then I guess they aren’t paying attention because apparently, I’m glowing.

I will be me

When my girlfriend and I started dating it was very organic and natural; there was an undeniable attraction and chemistry that could only be kept at bay for so long. But that didn’t stop me from worrying that I (no WE) would be to much for her; because its not just me, it will never, ever just be me.

I come with two tiny humans that walk the earth, exploring their surroundings in pursuit of becoming amazing little men. These boys are literally made from my heart and soul, grown in my belly and birthed from my being. They are my everything.

I have learned, I am more than my ‘mom hat’ but I wear that crown proudly because I am the lucky one to have the opportunity to love and protect those two boys. I am a mother and just as I will not let that define me, nor will I lose that piece of me.

And for a time, I worried that my (younger) girlfriend, with no responsibilities of similar magnitude would be overwhelmed and walk away. But she has embraced, step by step, the circus that accompanies me and together (along with my boys) we are figuring out what our new reality looks like.

It turns out however, that it wasn’t my girlfriend I needed to worry about. I am a strong woman, I am independent and quite frankly, I get shit done. But in the midst of a yet another enormous life shift, the woman I considered my best friend has all but disappeared.

After a month of awkwardness, this evening I found myself sitting on a log, staring at a frozen pond, tears running down my cheeks as I tried to understand. I wanted it to be something that I could fix, but I didn’t own any of the possible scenarios before me; they weren’t fixable by me.

At the end of the day, I’m still crying,; I’m no longer confused, I’m hurt, I’m sad and I’m disappointed because all this time I thought that we were in IT together. But I see now she’s not sure she wants that anymore because its hard and its real. She wants to drink wine, bullshit and redefine our friendship so that it can fit in the stereotypical box of what friends are ‘supposed’ to look like.

And the thing is, although I want to be able to do that, I don’t know that I can.

I don’t fit in boxes and I am not like the other girls.

I have spent the last year and a half learning to accept and embrace myself, learning to live my truth and honour the song of my heart. And if all of that is too much, if I am too much, I apologize, but I will not cram myself back into that metaphorical box for anyone.

Tears and broken heart or not, I will stand proud and I will be me.
But I do hope she finds her way back.

The Gift of Acceptance

Although its taken me a long time to get there, earlier this month I embraced the realization that I’m gay; I naively didn’t expect that this enormous self acceptance would fundamentally change the way I live my life or see myself.

I’m still me.

Earlier this year, I told my parents that I was dating a girl, I told all of my friends (that matter) that I was dating a girl and my sons, though not explicitly told, knew I was dating a girl. It felt like I’d already done some pretty ‘tough stuff’ without ever actually owning a lesbian label.

With all that behind me, I had a hard time imagining that accepting a label would have the ability to change anything, but I was absolutely wrong. In only a few short weeks, I’ve found myself feeling more free, more authentic and more me (all things I’ve written about wanting) than I ever remember. My sexuality doesn’t define me, but it is a part of me that I had not yet invited to shine.

Last week I was chatting with a coworker about a discussion I’d had with my Mom and given the direction of the conversation, he appropriately questioned ‘like she’s asking about a boyfriend or something?‘ and I just naturally said, ‘yeah something like that‘ and we carried on talking. The conversation flowed normally, but after he left, I sat at my desk and all I could think of was that I wished I’d said something else, that I’d corrected him or otherwise owned my gay.

So when a different coworker asked what I was doing with all my kid-free time off, I’d already been considering how I wanted to approach discussions about my personal life and was more prepared to answer. I told him I didn’t have much planned, but was hoping to day trip with my girlfriend to the local mountain.

And you know what happened?

Nothing, the sky did not fall. We carried on our conversation, like adults do, I felt empowered and he may or may not have noticed or cared.

It feels a lot easier to stop caring what other people think, now that I’m giving myself the gift of acceptance.

Sweet Girl

It is time, to embrace the change,
To accept that reality has been altered,
To know, that today is a new day.

It is time, to feel the vibration,
That starts deep within my soul.
Communicating what words cannot.

Overwhelming feelings,
Coursing through me,
Just as the hummingbird flies.

Fluttering, fleeting and gracious,
Beautiful, authentic and pure,
Searching for impossible perfection.

I close my eyes,
And breathe in all the emotions.
Willing myself,

Not to release them,
But to feel them.
To be them.

Finally, I’m learning,
Feelings are not to be conquered
Pushed or ignored.

When I embrace my emotions,
They stop controlling me.
And sweet girl, I want that for you too.