Living my Happy, Hippy, Homo Life

Not all that long ago, I was plagued by questions; I was alone in a sea of uncertainty. I had no idea who I was, where I was going or even what I wanted for myself in this lifetime.  Nothing is ever certain, and everything can change in a moment, but today (and all the days, if I’m honest) I’m surrounded by peace, self-love and a sense of purpose.

According to Google, purpose is “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.”

I know now, my purpose isn’t to achieve society’s goals; I don’t exist to be a daughter, sister, mother, wife or friend. My success in life cannot be measured by  my marriage (or lack thereof), my job, my home or any other external factor.

There is only one yardstick that can measure my success and it exists within me and me alone. The fullness of my heart, the satisfaction of my soul and the authenticity that shines in my eyes, my smile and everything I do is all that is required to know I’m living my best life.

I love my happy, hippy, homo life and I am proud of the choices I make each and every day to be my authentic self.

And quite frankly, anyone who doesn’t like it can go fuck  themselves.

 

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Believe in Me

For the first time in my life, I feel free, authentic and true but what does that really mean?

It means that I believe in me; that I’m trusting my instincts, I’m listening to my heart’s song, I’m looking out for myself first and foremost and I have unwavering faith that everything will work out the way its meant to. Because all of the things that happened before this very moment, regardless if they were terrible, wonderful or anything in between, happened to bring me to the perfect place that I currently reside. And everything happening now is going to continue taking me exactly where I’m meant to be.

The journey isn’t meant to be easy, but eyes wide open are mandatory if we want to get off the merry go around and move towards a new, different future filled with happiness and joy.

But its easier said than done; when  presented with the opportunity, it can be difficult to walk away from the shiny horses, sparkling lights and alluring music that have tricked us into believing, this time it might be different, so many times before.

But for me, being free, authentic and true means questioning why I want to believe in a reality that has never existed, it means remembering the dizzying feeling that overcomes me as the world spins around me and it means giving myself the space to hear the guidance my soul and intuition softly whispers.

But most of all, being free, authentic and true means trusting and believing in ME.

I am.

I heard something recently that makes me believe my ex-girlfriend is still hurting; I never wanted to hurt her. Truth be told, I’m softhearted and never want to hurt anyone, but it seems to happen. She’s no longer entitled to have an opinion on my life or my choices, nor do I have any obligation to explain them to her, but I can imagine her questions just the same, because I know the questions I ask myself.

Am I ready…
Am I strong enough…
Am I true enough…
Am I ME enough…
To love somebody else?

When I was in the 9th grade, we had to do a project; we had to pretend we had just graduated and plan out the next five years of our lives using advertisements and newspapers clippings. My partner and I had to find jobs, a place to live and create a monthly budget in order to survive. When I told my mom there would be no marriage or kids in my ‘future’ she looked me squarely in the eyes and told me, ‘if you wait until your ‘ready’ you’ll spend your entire life waiting and you’ll never do anything’.

She wanted me to know, that sometimes you have to take a chance and follow your heart. I don’t know what the future holds and I don’t know what challenges life has in store for me, but I know, without hesitation, that my life right now feels right.

I haven’t forgotten that there are things I need to do alone and things I need to do for myself; that lesson has been challenging for me, but I’m certain now, that I will not buckle.

And I’m certain that the love in my heart is something that can’t and won’t be ignored; that nothing and nobody in my life has ever felt so right, made me feel so free to soar and yet so safe to fall.

And so, when I ask myself, am I ready to love somebody else, the answer is clear.

I AM.