Friendship and Affirmation

My mom always told me that people come into your life when you need them, and sometimes they leave when the experiences you were meant to share have passed. She also told me that the friends worth keeping are the ones that can be absent for years, but when you connect, everything feels the same. She is a wise woman in this respect and I take her advice very seriously.

Lately I’ve been working on letting people go; people who feel I’m too much or perhaps aren’t supportive of the place where my journey is taking me. There have been tears, emotions and an utter lack of clarity, but through it all I have embraced my authentic self and stood proud. I’ve extended olive branches and I’ve tried to bring back friendships that were once strong, but everything is different now.

I AM different now, because I appreciate and honor all that I am.

I am a hard working woman who provides for her family and strives to raise boys that respect not only themselves, but those around them.

I am a responsible, independent woman who owns a house, tows her trailer and knows her way around a budget.

I am gay and completely, ridiculously, head over heels in love with the most amazing woman and I don’t care who knows it.

Anyone who doesn’t respect and honour all of that doesn’t deserve my energy or my time; I am a strong woman and I will never again change for someone else.

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a few old friends, people I haven’t seen (or stayed well connected with) in over 10 years and when I saw them, I could feel my heart flutter with happiness and joy.

THESE are MY PEOPLE.

And they love me (and I them), despite a distance of years, just the same as they did the last time I saw them. And the most beautifully affirming thing happened while in their presence, they told me (unprompted and not in the presence of each other) that my authenticity and sense of self was just as they remembered it.

They both said I had barely changed.

I know that’s not true but it re-affirms that I’m on the right path. I’m not creating a new version of myself, I’m rediscovering and redefining the girl that I used to be and the woman I was always meant to be.

I was lost for a long time, but now I’m found.

Live in the Now

In six days, I will officially be divorced.

I know that its just a piece of paper, and the only thing it gives me (that my separation agreement didn’t) was the ability re-marry, which is currently not on my agenda; yet it feels monumental. Never again will I have to tick a box that says I’m separated from a man I don’t want in my life. I will be divorced.

Coincidentally, this weekend I felt my mindset shift and my thought patterns change. I no longer want to look at my life in comparison to the reality that didn’t serve me; that life and those memories, though important, do not define the life I live now. They do not deserve to be the yardstick by which I measure the success of my life, the bounty of my my happiness or the depth of my love.

I feel things now, that I never dreamed were possible and they are beautiful and perfect in their own right, and I shall respect them as such. I had a moment of clarity this weekend, my hands literally digging in the earth, I felt myself reset.  I realized that in order to clear the space I need to feel the feelings of my life and continue to grow, to thrive and be free, it is time to stop comparing my reality to my past.

It is time to simply live in the now.

Being Strong

There is a vulnerability that comes with being strong; it stems from an expectation (likely of ourselves) that we don’t need anyone’s help. That we can walk away from everyone and anyone at any time without consequence. Yes, we can make a choice to change our lives, but its never easy. Change is wrought with emotions and often we carry that burden alone.

In my life, I suspect there will never be a harder decision to make than the day I told my ex-husband that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I couldn’t be his wife, that I simply couldn’t be this person that I was ‘supposed’ to be anymore. And with love and support from the people in my life, I stood tall and I stood strong as I walked away from everything I had known and took a chance on me.

After that, life should be easy.

But its never that simple. Being confident, being strong and being me feels so good, but there will always be casualties of change. People, places and things in my life may shift but I’m learning to let those things go, because being strong doesn’t mean that I need to have everything figured out.

Being strong means staying true to my heart, to my values and to my soul.
Being strong means knowing my own priorities and not being led astray.
Being strong means being brave enough to dream and a willingness to sacrifice to get there.
Being strong means knowing when I can’t do it alone and asking for help.
But most of all, being strong means knowing when to let go.

It Takes Time

In some ways, being out has been easy for me; once I accepted my truth, it became easy to live it. I started to shine and slowly but surely I began to find my identity, I used to feel uncertain where I fit, not quite deserving of a contributing seat at the gay table and yet clearly not meant to fit in the hetero world either.

But all of that has changed, I feel a comfortable camaraderie being lumped into the lesbian stereotypes and happily giggle along with all the gay funnies. Its taken me twenty long years to find myself, but when I finally burst out of that closet, literally everything became clearer.

I live my life according to my own agenda, I pursue love and light and happiness and I will not compromise that which is important to me for anyone ever again. Yet its important to keep things in perspective, to remember my life, my choices and my person have impacts on others.

My family, my parents in particular, are struggling. In their hearts, I know they want me to be happy, and they understand that love is love but having a gay daughter isn’t exactly the same as generally supporting the gay agenda. I know that to them, its a change of massive proportions and that in time, everything will work itself out.

Meeting  my girlfriend’s family last week made my heart swell and gave me a glimpse of family inclusivity. Her family has had virtually her entire adult life to come to terms with her sexuality and its very evident that my girlfriends family loves and accepts her just as  she is; it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

I can only hope that in time, my family will adjust to my new reality and be able to not just accept, but welcome my gay self and my love with open arms.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has chosen me, that each day, she chooses me, just as I choose her. But in truth, loving her is one of the realest, most authentic things I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever stop, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes, I can’t believe how much I want her, how much I crave her presence, her touch, her smile, her laugh. I am magnetized by her energy, we share a current that vibrates with more intensity than I ever could have imagined possible.

Sometimes, I can feel our souls connecting; recharging, revitalizing and communicating on an ethereal level that words could never describe. I believe that everything before was meant to be bring me face to face with the woman who would touch my soul in an instant.

Sometimes, I can’t believe that this life, filled with love and light and happiness, is mine; that all of this is real. That I have co-created a life that fulfills me and found my own joy by becoming the centre of my own universe.

Sometimes, I just sit back and revel in all the love I have for myself, for my life and for my lovely lady, because all that love is absolutely worth savoring.

Say Yes

It’s been a while since I’ve felt inspired; I’ve been caught up in the whirlwind of life, running here, running there, always running somewhere. Despite the chaos, I’m still doing things differently, I’m still doing things for ME. First and foremost, I am taking care of myself. One of the things I’ve been working on, is connecting, in minimal ways, with people that I feel an affinity for.

There are only a few people in my life that I’ve known since high school and still consider a friend; these people are sacred to my heart because they’ve always accepted me just as I am, never with judgement and only with love. I was speaking with one such friend yesterday and when I made a lighthearted comment about being a lesbian, her response was perfect.

Doesn’t it feel great to shout that out?
Because you ARE shouting it out now aren’t you?
And all I could say was YES.

YES, THIS girl is GAY!
YES, it is empowering to finally stop hiding (from myself).
YES, my skin finally feels like it fits.
YES, I am happy, so very happy.

I finally started saying YES to myself and in turn the universe started saying yes to me too. My life is ripe with opportunity, love, light and happiness; all those years I tried to create the ‘perfect life’, but all I had to do was say yes to me and everything began falling into place.

I will be me

When my girlfriend and I started dating it was very organic and natural; there was an undeniable attraction and chemistry that could only be kept at bay for so long. But that didn’t stop me from worrying that I (no WE) would be to much for her; because its not just me, it will never, ever just be me.

I come with two tiny humans that walk the earth, exploring their surroundings in pursuit of becoming amazing little men. These boys are literally made from my heart and soul, grown in my belly and birthed from my being. They are my everything.

I have learned, I am more than my ‘mom hat’ but I wear that crown proudly because I am the lucky one to have the opportunity to love and protect those two boys. I am a mother and just as I will not let that define me, nor will I lose that piece of me.

And for a time, I worried that my (younger) girlfriend, with no responsibilities of similar magnitude would be overwhelmed and walk away. But she has embraced, step by step, the circus that accompanies me and together (along with my boys) we are figuring out what our new reality looks like.

It turns out however, that it wasn’t my girlfriend I needed to worry about. I am a strong woman, I am independent and quite frankly, I get shit done. But in the midst of a yet another enormous life shift, the woman I considered my best friend has all but disappeared.

After a month of awkwardness, this evening I found myself sitting on a log, staring at a frozen pond, tears running down my cheeks as I tried to understand. I wanted it to be something that I could fix, but I didn’t own any of the possible scenarios before me; they weren’t fixable by me.

At the end of the day, I’m still crying,; I’m no longer confused, I’m hurt, I’m sad and I’m disappointed because all this time I thought that we were in IT together. But I see now she’s not sure she wants that anymore because its hard and its real. She wants to drink wine, bullshit and redefine our friendship so that it can fit in the stereotypical box of what friends are ‘supposed’ to look like.

And the thing is, although I want to be able to do that, I don’t know that I can.

I don’t fit in boxes and I am not like the other girls.

I have spent the last year and a half learning to accept and embrace myself, learning to live my truth and honour the song of my heart. And if all of that is too much, if I am too much, I apologize, but I will not cram myself back into that metaphorical box for anyone.

Tears and broken heart or not, I will stand proud and I will be me.
But I do hope she finds her way back.