Touch

The words slipped between my lips, practically whispered, as I gazed at her longingly; I really want to kiss you, but I lack self restraint. As the last syllable escaped, her lips were on mine, soft, tender and embedded with lust. In that moment, the passion we shared for each other was so pure that time ceased to exist.

All there was, in that moment, was her.  Her scent, her taste, her touch, her beautiful eyes looking in mine and the softest sounds that wouldn’t be contained. My senses felt awakened and although we had reached before, I know that in that moment, our souls touched and our worlds shifted. Hours later, I would peel myself (fully clothed) off of her, the wanting and desire pulsing through my body as she said good night.

She asked me today, why I felt so strongly (at the time) that we should wait.

I was afraid, not that I could love her, but that an evening of lust could somehow taint the potential for a love like no other. I knew that we could be something special, that we who were so aligned in values, in life and in dreams had the potential to be everything I never dreamed of. In my life, I have chased lust and though the moments are lovely, it has never made my heart sing. And I was so fearful that chasing lust might ruin all the hopes I had for something beautiful with her.

My girlfriend responded simply, I was waiting for you, we weren’t going to ruin anything. And I’m sure she’s right, but in life we need to learn our own lessons, we need to live our own experiences and we need to find our own certainties. And I needed us to wait.

Now, I need her touch.

Only once, have I felt like our communication was stilted, like perhaps she was misunderstanding me, or I her. We’d been together all day, but around people and in public. We were in the shower, washing the day away when she reached for me, with both hands on my face she kissed me, deeply and passionately and when we pulled apart we both smiled coyly as she stated so simply that’s what we neededI haven’t been able to to do that all day. 

And she was right, with one touch, one moment of shared intimacy, everything was right with the world again.

Today

Today, my boys let us sleep in for an hour and a half, because they were making surprises for us. We woke up to happy camaraderie and beautiful gifts. A hand drawn stick man family that made my heart swell with love and gratitude, a small handmade comic and a batman cutout.  Today, my boys showed us their love.

This weekend, I feel like we leveled up. In a moment when I couldn’t, I watched her interact with my boy, just as I would have; with love and honesty and a bit of toughness. We shared shy smiles of happiness as we dreamed of our shared future. I watched her solve a conundrum, and in her actions I could feel her feet so firmly planted inside the circus ring. Today, quite simply, felt like family.

Today, felt special, extraordinary and ordinary in the exact right way. Together, we relaxed and then together we prepared for our day in a way that flowed so naturally, so easily and so efficiently. Today, it was the little things reminding me that balance exists in our connection; our energy is shared yet remains unique.

This weekend, I had moments, when I needed her. She held me in her arms and stroked my hair as I felt the feelings and let things (that no longer served me) go. She found me  a moment of solace amidst a windstorm of chaos and today, I felt all the love for my boys, for my girl and for the adventure that we are embarking on.

Today, my future feels so fucking bright.

Dream Bigger

Like everything else in life, dreams are not constant, they are subject to our moods, our circumstances and if we’re lucky they are constantly evolving as our goalposts change not because we can’t meet them, but because we have.

I used to dream of a life that gave me joy and refreshed me; a life that didn’t feel like groundhog day but instead empowered me to be me, where I laughed and loved more than I simply survived and most importantly, I dreamt of a life that allowed me to wake up, each and every morning, eager to greet the day.

18 months ago, that life and that dream felt out of reach and completely unattainable; but I walked away from the life I had built, stepped into the unknown and today and I’m living my dream.

If you too are stuck on the merry go round of an unsatisfied life, I assure you that although the road may be difficult, it is nothing compared to living a life that drains your soul and robs you of your happiness.

Good enough should never be enough; strive for more, strive for love, light and happiness (or whatever makes YOUR heart sing). Believe you are worth it, because when you believe, doors have a way of opening and all you have to do is be brave enough to walk over that threshold.

And when you do, you may find yourself in a whole new world, one where yesterdays dreams are your reality and there’s only one this left to do, dream bigger.

I want to remember…

I’m constantly surprised by the intensity of my emotions, the depth of my feeling and the comfort I find in my new reality. Every day, I feel increasingly confident and proud of the choices I make, the life I lead and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am so proud, to be me.

I desperately want to find a way to capture these feelings; the glow, the warmth and the energy that surrounds me so that one day, when I inevitably need it, I can remember.

I want to remember the confidence I feel to speak my mind, to let the truth tumble from my lips without pause, and the pride I feel when I do just that. I want to remember smiles that spread so much further than the corners of my mouth and I want to remember what it feels like to giggle, to laugh and to simply surrender to the joy of the moment.

I want to remember the brightness I feel every single time I talk  to someone new about being gay; how incredible it feels be so matter of fact about a piece of me I refused to acknowledge for so long. And how strong and sure I feel when I choose not to validate people’s stares by changing my behavior.

I want to remember the lightness in my chest when she smiles at me, the sigh that escapes my parted lips when she holds me and the way we create our own safe space every time that we’re together.

These days, I feel a strength, a confidence and a joy like I’ve never known and its the most beautiful feeling in the world. I know, that life is full of challenges and although hard times are inevitable, they also help us appreciate the good times all the more.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year and I am so thankful for all the amazing in my current reality. I can only hope, that when the next roadblock emerges, I will remember everything that I feel now and bravely blaze a new trail.

More Than Silver Linings

I have always considered myself an optimist, I see the glass as half full and I’ve always looked for the silver linings, but there was a time, not that long ago, that I forgot how much more there was to live for.

I forgot, about laughter, that refuses to be contained and spills forth with reckless abandon. I forgot, that the best smiles are the ones that shine and sparkle from within and cannot ever truly be hidden. I forgot, that I am, and always have been, enough. And I forgot, that the fire within me burns strong, I can be anything and anyone that I want to be; only I have that power.

And I’ll never give it away again. I’m discovering and uncovering a whole new way of life, one where I am unstoppable, strong and true.

I’ve discovered the freedom that comes when you truly accept yourself, wholly and entirely. I’ve discovered that kisses can be like souls intertwining, drawing people together as their breath becomes one. I’ve discovered that there is great beauty in slowing down, immersing myself in feelings and being truly present in the moment.

But most importantly, I’ve discovered a happiness like I’ve never known; I feel overcome with love and light and happiness each and every day.

My life is so much more than silver linings.

I met a girl

Have you ever met someone and felt immediately at ease?  As if you could talk for hours, even though you’d only known each other for moments? Have you felt an energy that made a stranger feel like a friend and a moment that could have been so awkward feel safe?

I have.

Before I met her, I was not a believer; instant connections were the things of fairytales, story books and television shows. Real people had real, tangible experiences that logic could follow.

But I was wrong.

It was literally months, five to be exact, between our first meeting and the next; a lot of life, growth and change happened (for both of us) during that time. But eventually, we had dinner. We talked for hours, neither of us wanting to leave, both of us amazed how aligned our perspectives on life were.

In time, we would come to admit that something special existed between us; something different than I had ever experienced and certainly something more than I knew was possible.

I met a girl and together we’re discovering that nothing’s as it used to be and everything’s as it’s meant to be. Together and apart, we are growing, we are changing and we are supporting one another in our journey to live our own authentic truth.

365 days to Shine

10269011_857219927661044_358550143_nOne year ago today, I did quite possibly the bravest thing I’ve ever done. I changed my life. On the screen before me, were carefully crafted words that could only barely begin to scratch the surface of expressing how broken I truly was.

I  had written, read and rewritten those words so many times I should have been able to recite them from memory, but I knew that I couldn’t. The only way that I could possibly say everything that needed to be said, would be to find strength in the words I had written.

I said a lot of things and most of them are far too personal for sharing, but this snippet, embodies everything that I wanted for myself and everything that I continue to strive to achieve.

And the truth is…
I’m tired of feeling guilty.
I’m tired of trying to be everything for everyone all the time.
And most of all, I’m tired of trying so hard to have a relationship that feeds my soul and brings me love and light and happiness.

Since that day, I have shed many tears and I have struggled through many days; I have laughed, I have loved and most importantly, I have lived.

The past 365 days have given me the opportunity to begin to dust off the layers of negativity, perception and judgement that were weighing so heavily on my soul. An opportunity to rediscover, who I am and how to stand proud, always; as an individual worthy of all the amazing experiences that the life before me has to offer.

The past 365 days, have seen me grow. I’ve taken steps forward and I’ve taken steps back, but at least I’ve stopped standing still.

One year ago today, I was sitting on my couch, riddled with anxiety, waiting to tell the man I had married that our life together wasn’t enough. I felt a fear like no other: of the pain I would inflict, of a future marred by a failed marriage, of an inability to make it on my own.

But today, 365 days later, although my future is just as uncertain, I’ve let those fears go and now my outlook is rooted in hope and joy and love.  And as for tomorrow, I say bring it on!