Live in the Now

In six days, I will officially be divorced.

I know that its just a piece of paper, and the only thing it gives me (that my separation agreement didn’t) was the ability re-marry, which is currently not on my agenda; yet it feels monumental. Never again will I have to tick a box that says I’m separated from a man I don’t want in my life. I will be divorced.

Coincidentally, this weekend I felt my mindset shift and my thought patterns change. I no longer want to look at my life in comparison to the reality that didn’t serve me; that life and those memories, though important, do not define the life I live now. They do not deserve to be the yardstick by which I measure the success of my life, the bounty of my my happiness or the depth of my love.

I feel things now, that I never dreamed were possible and they are beautiful and perfect in their own right, and I shall respect them as such. I had a moment of clarity this weekend, my hands literally digging in the earth, I felt myself reset.  I realized that in order to clear the space I need to feel the feelings of my life and continue to grow, to thrive and be free, it is time to stop comparing my reality to my past.

It is time to simply live in the now.

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She is MY Person

Sometimes I watch people, couples, and I want so badly to tell them that they deserve more, that I too have fallen for the lure of a mediocre relationship, but its not worth it. The universe has so much more in store for all of us, if only we are brave enough to believe.

I am not however, presumptuous enough to say any such thing. I know, that we are all living our own story and following our own path; my observations are just the things that I see from the outside and I will never experience their journey.

I know, that my girlfriend and I are in the early stages of our time together, we only truly found each other six months ago; we met 5 months prior, but regardless our time so far is just a blip in the timeline of our lives.

But this time, for the first time, I feel a calm certainty that she is my person. We are unique, strong and fierce women that are more than capable of everything life has and will throw our way, but that doesn’t change what a beautiful thing it has been to find her.

But how do I know that SHE is my person?

I know she is my person because I already can’t imagine a life without her, because she makes even the most mundane (or overwhelming) tasks better simply by being close, by being present, by being near.

Because when I’m having big feelings, instead wanting to be alone (as I always have) the only thing in the world that I want is to rest my head in her softness and melt into the safety of her arms while she gently strokes my hair. Because more than anything, I want to be there to hold her, to cover her in kisses and help her feel the feelings too.

Because from the first time we met, our souls and beings reached for one another. We met as strangers and in only a few moments she was ingrained in my mind, that moment forever imprinted in my heart.

She is my person, quite simply, because she’s meant to be. We are meant to love and support each other in this journey called life; what that looks like I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t care because with her  by my side I feel stronger, braver, free-er, and more authentic than I’ve ever felt before.

I am so lucky, that not only have I met MY person; we found each other at a time when we were both ready to realize and recognize each other.

She is My Person and I love her so.

Change is the Only Constant

When I started my journey I had a hard time responding to my counselor’s simple inquiry, ‘what are you doing for you?’ I had spent the better part of the last decade being everything for everyone and wearing every hat on the rack except for the one that defined me. I was so raw, uncertain who I was if I wasn’t a mother and a wife first; I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hear my heart sing, but I desperately wanted to find my voice.

What started as small cautious steps a year ago, turned into a full blown run and I almost can’t remember what’s on the other side of the mountains that I’ve climbed and descended. However, I must never forget where I’ve come from and everything that I’ve learned on this journey; because I’m never going back there.

My path may waver but I refuse to double back and so I remain conscious. I listen, actively, to me, to what I want, and I let my priorities be only my own. And honestly, those priorities change each and every day as I navigate the world, my relationships and my reality trying to find a balance that satisfies my soul.

We all deserve that, the freedom to change; to change our mind, to change our priorities, to change our practices and most of all the freedom to change our lives. Change is the only constant in life and yet there’s the push to meet expectations, to want what society wants and to conform. I had this belief once that getting married to a man and having babies was THE DREAM and I was subconsciously terrified to admit that I wanted, no needed, my life to drastically change directions if I was to find happiness.

Changing my life has been both the most difficult and the most rewarding experience; true transformation wasn’t possible for me until I asked myself who I wanted to be and actually began to question everything that I had previously known to be true.

After months of tears, confusion and overwhelming emotions what emerged was the most beautiful, true version of me. I am a strong, confident, gay mom that is living her truth, creating her own happiness and doing whatever the fuck feels right in the moment and THAT is what I’m doing for me.

I want to remember…

I’m constantly surprised by the intensity of my emotions, the depth of my feeling and the comfort I find in my new reality. Every day, I feel increasingly confident and proud of the choices I make, the life I lead and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am so proud, to be me.

I desperately want to find a way to capture these feelings; the glow, the warmth and the energy that surrounds me so that one day, when I inevitably need it, I can remember.

I want to remember the confidence I feel to speak my mind, to let the truth tumble from my lips without pause, and the pride I feel when I do just that. I want to remember smiles that spread so much further than the corners of my mouth and I want to remember what it feels like to giggle, to laugh and to simply surrender to the joy of the moment.

I want to remember the brightness I feel every single time I talk  to someone new about being gay; how incredible it feels be so matter of fact about a piece of me I refused to acknowledge for so long. And how strong and sure I feel when I choose not to validate people’s stares by changing my behavior.

I want to remember the lightness in my chest when she smiles at me, the sigh that escapes my parted lips when she holds me and the way we create our own safe space every time that we’re together.

These days, I feel a strength, a confidence and a joy like I’ve never known and its the most beautiful feeling in the world. I know, that life is full of challenges and although hard times are inevitable, they also help us appreciate the good times all the more.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year and I am so thankful for all the amazing in my current reality. I can only hope, that when the next roadblock emerges, I will remember everything that I feel now and bravely blaze a new trail.

I am Enough

In a world ruled  by chaos, my constants used to be doubt, guilt and uncertainty; I could never seem to let go long enough to fully appreciate the beauty of my sheer existence. I was unable to see that everything I needed was within me: waiting to be nurtured, waiting to be free.

I needed to stand tall and leave behind the life I had built, with no idea where I was going, knowing only that the life I had wasn’t the one meant for me. I needed to learn to be me, just me; not a mom, not a wife, not a girlfriend, me.

And when I finally stood alone and channeled all my energy inwards, my world literally exploded and became something entirely new and incredibly beautiful. I found my ‘don’t give a fuck’ and started to let my opinion be the only one that mattered. For the first time I reflected on my dreams, my desires and my future without consideration for anyone else.

And when I did that, it was like putting on glasses for the first time; watching a world I thought I knew slowly come into focus, only to discover that nothing was quite what I had believed.

When I accepted my truth and claimed my gay, all the irrelevant baggage I’d been carrying around dissipated and I was left standing alone, looking in the mirror. In my reflection I see a lesbian, but more than that, I see woman who knows who she is and I see a woman who can’t hide the joy the emanates from within her. She’s been in there all along waiting to be free and now that we’ve united, what remains is an incredibly fierce woman who is absolutely enough.

I feel like I’ve spent the past twenty years convincing myself that my life was good enough, when all I had to do was root around in the box to look for that last piece of the puzzle. There was a time, when I was willing to settle for mediocrity, for normalcy, for smiles that didn’t reach my soul, but that time has passed and that door has closed.

I shine bright, because I am enough.

Pause

Sometimes, in the midst of intensity, I can’t help but pause; my eyes delving into the depths of hers, my fingers caressing the curves of her jaw as I attempt to breathe in the beauty that is us. I have no words, but I’m certain that written across my face is the trust, the loyalty and the love that we share.

I’ve never felt so certain that someone was meant to be in my life; for no purpose other than to simply be. Her presence is a gift that gives me smiles for days and fills me with a happiness that is indescribable; I feel a joy that radiates from deep within me and I hear the song that my heart sings, urging me to go forth and be free.

More Than Silver Linings

I have always considered myself an optimist, I see the glass as half full and I’ve always looked for the silver linings, but there was a time, not that long ago, that I forgot how much more there was to live for.

I forgot, about laughter, that refuses to be contained and spills forth with reckless abandon. I forgot, that the best smiles are the ones that shine and sparkle from within and cannot ever truly be hidden. I forgot, that I am, and always have been, enough. And I forgot, that the fire within me burns strong, I can be anything and anyone that I want to be; only I have that power.

And I’ll never give it away again. I’m discovering and uncovering a whole new way of life, one where I am unstoppable, strong and true.

I’ve discovered the freedom that comes when you truly accept yourself, wholly and entirely. I’ve discovered that kisses can be like souls intertwining, drawing people together as their breath becomes one. I’ve discovered that there is great beauty in slowing down, immersing myself in feelings and being truly present in the moment.

But most importantly, I’ve discovered a happiness like I’ve never known; I feel overcome with love and light and happiness each and every day.

My life is so much more than silver linings.