She is MY Person

Sometimes I watch people, couples, and I want so badly to tell them that they deserve more, that I too have fallen for the lure of a mediocre relationship, but its not worth it. The universe has so much more in store for all of us, if only we are brave enough to believe.

I am not however, presumptuous enough to say any such thing. I know, that we are all living our own story and following our own path; my observations are just the things that I see from the outside and I will never experience their journey.

I know, that my girlfriend and I are in the early stages of our time together, we only truly found each other six months ago; we met 5 months prior, but regardless our time so far is just a blip in the timeline of our lives.

But this time, for the first time, I feel a calm certainty that she is my person. We are unique, strong and fierce women that are more than capable of everything life has and will throw our way, but that doesn’t change what a beautiful thing it has been to find her.

But how do I know that SHE is my person?

I know she is my person because I already can’t imagine a life without her, because she makes even the most mundane (or overwhelming) tasks better simply by being close, by being present, by being near.

Because when I’m having big feelings, instead wanting to be alone (as I always have) the only thing in the world that I want is to rest my head in her softness and melt into the safety of her arms while she gently strokes my hair. Because more than anything, I want to be there to hold her, to cover her in kisses and help her feel the feelings too.

Because from the first time we met, our souls and beings reached for one another. We met as strangers and in only a few moments she was ingrained in my mind, that moment forever imprinted in my heart.

She is my person, quite simply, because she’s meant to be. We are meant to love and support each other in this journey called life; what that looks like I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t care because with her  by my side I feel stronger, braver, free-er, and more authentic than I’ve ever felt before.

I am so lucky, that not only have I met MY person; we found each other at a time when we were both ready to realize and recognize each other.

She is My Person and I love her so.

It Takes Time

In some ways, being out has been easy for me; once I accepted my truth, it became easy to live it. I started to shine and slowly but surely I began to find my identity, I used to feel uncertain where I fit, not quite deserving of a contributing seat at the gay table and yet clearly not meant to fit in the hetero world either.

But all of that has changed, I feel a comfortable camaraderie being lumped into the lesbian stereotypes and happily giggle along with all the gay funnies. Its taken me twenty long years to find myself, but when I finally burst out of that closet, literally everything became clearer.

I live my life according to my own agenda, I pursue love and light and happiness and I will not compromise that which is important to me for anyone ever again. Yet its important to keep things in perspective, to remember my life, my choices and my person have impacts on others.

My family, my parents in particular, are struggling. In their hearts, I know they want me to be happy, and they understand that love is love but having a gay daughter isn’t exactly the same as generally supporting the gay agenda. I know that to them, its a change of massive proportions and that in time, everything will work itself out.

Meeting  my girlfriend’s family last week made my heart swell and gave me a glimpse of family inclusivity. Her family has had virtually her entire adult life to come to terms with her sexuality and its very evident that my girlfriends family loves and accepts her just as  she is; it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

I can only hope that in time, my family will adjust to my new reality and be able to not just accept, but welcome my gay self and my love with open arms.

 

I want to remember…

I’m constantly surprised by the intensity of my emotions, the depth of my feeling and the comfort I find in my new reality. Every day, I feel increasingly confident and proud of the choices I make, the life I lead and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am so proud, to be me.

I desperately want to find a way to capture these feelings; the glow, the warmth and the energy that surrounds me so that one day, when I inevitably need it, I can remember.

I want to remember the confidence I feel to speak my mind, to let the truth tumble from my lips without pause, and the pride I feel when I do just that. I want to remember smiles that spread so much further than the corners of my mouth and I want to remember what it feels like to giggle, to laugh and to simply surrender to the joy of the moment.

I want to remember the brightness I feel every single time I talk  to someone new about being gay; how incredible it feels be so matter of fact about a piece of me I refused to acknowledge for so long. And how strong and sure I feel when I choose not to validate people’s stares by changing my behavior.

I want to remember the lightness in my chest when she smiles at me, the sigh that escapes my parted lips when she holds me and the way we create our own safe space every time that we’re together.

These days, I feel a strength, a confidence and a joy like I’ve never known and its the most beautiful feeling in the world. I know, that life is full of challenges and although hard times are inevitable, they also help us appreciate the good times all the more.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year and I am so thankful for all the amazing in my current reality. I can only hope, that when the next roadblock emerges, I will remember everything that I feel now and bravely blaze a new trail.

Gay Mom’s Club

I am so fortunate to have a woman in my life that regularly feeds my curiosity and  challenges my thought processes. A few months ago, during one of our chats we were talking about my kids and she pointed out that my situation is not all that unique; there are a lot of gay moms in the region.

However, my particular town has a population of less than 2,500 and to my knowledge the local gay mom’s club has a membership of one. Over the past year, as I reflected on my life and sexuality, I put a significant amount of energy into considering how my life choices might affect my sons. At the end of the day, I know that my kids may be subjected to bullying and teasing, because of me (which is a hard pill to swallow) but I also know that there are an infinite number of reason they may get teased in their lifetime, I am only one.

But the potential for positive repercussions is also infinite; my boys will grow up in a home where love is love is love and they will be free to be and to love whomever they choose without fear. My boys will understand that the struggle to be true and authentic to their hearts song is worth every tear that they may shed along the way. And I hope that my boys will know that although their Mom made a decision that shook their lives and changed everything, it gave them a happy mom, which is the best type of mom to have around.

To be honest, its been ages since I’ve given any thought to the potential impacts of my coming out on  my children; long before I was actually ready to accept that I was gay I came to terms with the fact that my world cannot revolve entirely around my boys. But yesterday a friend was commending me for being brave, strong and true to my heart, and she couldn’t help but comment on how difficult my coming out must be, because I’m a mom.

Although I know it wasn’t her intention, I couldn’t help feeling a little put off by the connotation that being a mom somehow made my decision to come out especially difficult. It was one of many things that I pondered, and although my children are my everything I have a hard time trying to justify my struggle being any more important than someone else’s. Coming out is a huge, life altering decision and for me its been a long time coming; not even being a mom could have changed my ultimate destination.

At the end of the day, I believe in my heart, that my boys will be proud to have a mother that was not afraid to walk away from everything that society told her to want in order to live a life full of love and light and happiness. If that makes me the president and membership of my local gay mom’s club, I’ll take it because this is me, and I’m proud to be my kids’ gay mom.

More Than Silver Linings

I have always considered myself an optimist, I see the glass as half full and I’ve always looked for the silver linings, but there was a time, not that long ago, that I forgot how much more there was to live for.

I forgot, about laughter, that refuses to be contained and spills forth with reckless abandon. I forgot, that the best smiles are the ones that shine and sparkle from within and cannot ever truly be hidden. I forgot, that I am, and always have been, enough. And I forgot, that the fire within me burns strong, I can be anything and anyone that I want to be; only I have that power.

And I’ll never give it away again. I’m discovering and uncovering a whole new way of life, one where I am unstoppable, strong and true.

I’ve discovered the freedom that comes when you truly accept yourself, wholly and entirely. I’ve discovered that kisses can be like souls intertwining, drawing people together as their breath becomes one. I’ve discovered that there is great beauty in slowing down, immersing myself in feelings and being truly present in the moment.

But most importantly, I’ve discovered a happiness like I’ve never known; I feel overcome with love and light and happiness each and every day.

My life is so much more than silver linings.

Believe in Me

For the first time in my life, I feel free, authentic and true but what does that really mean?

It means that I believe in me; that I’m trusting my instincts, I’m listening to my heart’s song, I’m looking out for myself first and foremost and I have unwavering faith that everything will work out the way its meant to. Because all of the things that happened before this very moment, regardless if they were terrible, wonderful or anything in between, happened to bring me to the perfect place that I currently reside. And everything happening now is going to continue taking me exactly where I’m meant to be.

The journey isn’t meant to be easy, but eyes wide open are mandatory if we want to get off the merry go around and move towards a new, different future filled with happiness and joy.

But its easier said than done; when  presented with the opportunity, it can be difficult to walk away from the shiny horses, sparkling lights and alluring music that have tricked us into believing, this time it might be different, so many times before.

But for me, being free, authentic and true means questioning why I want to believe in a reality that has never existed, it means remembering the dizzying feeling that overcomes me as the world spins around me and it means giving myself the space to hear the guidance my soul and intuition softly whispers.

But most of all, being free, authentic and true means trusting and believing in ME.

Strangers Passing By

We sit, snuggled together on an airport bench; waiting, chatting and smiling before the inevitable moment when I need to walk through the gate. Part of me feels like we’re surrounded by a bubble glowing with happiness, love and joy. She makes me feel like that whenever we’re together; as if WE are untouchable.

But we are not alone and we are not invincible.

There is the man in the chair across the hall, curiously and cautiously watching as I lean my head on her shoulder yearning to be held then as we shift so I can hold her in my arms. His eyes sneaking not so secret glances as our hands touch and our lips meet ever so quickly.

There is the security guard that walks by and can’t keep his head from doing a double take, from staring as he continues walking with a look of disbelief on his face. What exactly he find surprising I’m not sure, its not a big city airport, but surely gay people have been here before.

There is the young flight attendant, she surprised me when she couldn’t help but stare out of the corner of her eye as she passed. I had a hard time reading her expression; judgement, confusion, surprise, I’m not really sure.

As an individual, I’m very feelings focused, I like to understand people, empathize with their experiences and try to connect on some visceral level. These interactions create a unique conundrum for me; I feel like these interactions are inconsequential to me yet I continue to think of them. In the midst of the inquiring moments, we shared a few smiles, full of love, but there was no need for acknowledgement or discussion, we were safe within our bubble, unaffected and unconcerned.

I’m not troubled by these experiences, nor am I hurt, upset or otherwise concerned, but the empath side of me wants to understand, what makes people stare at two girls in love? As if my understanding their perspective could somehow help them understand me; I’m naive sometimes, but I can’t stop believing that we are all born with an inherent beauty, innocence and capacity to understand.

I can’t change the world, but I can hope that in my lifetime, I will have opportunities to connect with individuals that perhaps don’t understand what it means for me to be finding my happiness and living my truth. How finally honoring myself has been the key to shining brighter than I could have ever dreamed possible. And maybe, I will help at least few souls open their heart to understand that truly, love is love.