October

This October, is going to be different she said, better than your last two.

And she’s right; it would take a fairly major life catastrophe to be worse at this point. Last October I struggled; I cried a lot of tears, felt a lot of feelings and grew a lot. I remember sitting in a hotel room (which I coincidentally have been this week as well), awash with emotion trying to understand why.

And then I knew, it had been 365 days since I changed my life.

In October 2015, I walked away from a marriage that brought me no joy and from a life that was slowly stealing my soul. I recognized and admitted that I was worthy of the life that I desired and that life was not meant to be lived in the shadows.

In October 2016, I finally began to let it all go and in doing so, began to find myself. Only a few months later, I embraced my sexuality and my life exploded with rainbows, joy and happiness.

And this year, in October 2017, I have laughed, I have smiled and I have celebrated family, love and the girl that makes my heart sing. This October I have embraced the life that I have chosen and made space only for that which deserves the honour of existing within the recesses of my heart and soul.

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Live in the Now

In six days, I will officially be divorced.

I know that its just a piece of paper, and the only thing it gives me (that my separation agreement didn’t) was the ability re-marry, which is currently not on my agenda; yet it feels monumental. Never again will I have to tick a box that says I’m separated from a man I don’t want in my life. I will be divorced.

Coincidentally, this weekend I felt my mindset shift and my thought patterns change. I no longer want to look at my life in comparison to the reality that didn’t serve me; that life and those memories, though important, do not define the life I live now. They do not deserve to be the yardstick by which I measure the success of my life, the bounty of my my happiness or the depth of my love.

I feel things now, that I never dreamed were possible and they are beautiful and perfect in their own right, and I shall respect them as such. I had a moment of clarity this weekend, my hands literally digging in the earth, I felt myself reset.  I realized that in order to clear the space I need to feel the feelings of my life and continue to grow, to thrive and be free, it is time to stop comparing my reality to my past.

It is time to simply live in the now.

Dream Bigger

Like everything else in life, dreams are not constant, they are subject to our moods, our circumstances and if we’re lucky they are constantly evolving as our goalposts change not because we can’t meet them, but because we have.

I used to dream of a life that gave me joy and refreshed me; a life that didn’t feel like groundhog day but instead empowered me to be me, where I laughed and loved more than I simply survived and most importantly, I dreamt of a life that allowed me to wake up, each and every morning, eager to greet the day.

18 months ago, that life and that dream felt out of reach and completely unattainable; but I walked away from the life I had built, stepped into the unknown and today and I’m living my dream.

If you too are stuck on the merry go round of an unsatisfied life, I assure you that although the road may be difficult, it is nothing compared to living a life that drains your soul and robs you of your happiness.

Good enough should never be enough; strive for more, strive for love, light and happiness (or whatever makes YOUR heart sing). Believe you are worth it, because when you believe, doors have a way of opening and all you have to do is be brave enough to walk over that threshold.

And when you do, you may find yourself in a whole new world, one where yesterdays dreams are your reality and there’s only one this left to do, dream bigger.

I want to remember…

I’m constantly surprised by the intensity of my emotions, the depth of my feeling and the comfort I find in my new reality. Every day, I feel increasingly confident and proud of the choices I make, the life I lead and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am so proud, to be me.

I desperately want to find a way to capture these feelings; the glow, the warmth and the energy that surrounds me so that one day, when I inevitably need it, I can remember.

I want to remember the confidence I feel to speak my mind, to let the truth tumble from my lips without pause, and the pride I feel when I do just that. I want to remember smiles that spread so much further than the corners of my mouth and I want to remember what it feels like to giggle, to laugh and to simply surrender to the joy of the moment.

I want to remember the brightness I feel every single time I talk  to someone new about being gay; how incredible it feels be so matter of fact about a piece of me I refused to acknowledge for so long. And how strong and sure I feel when I choose not to validate people’s stares by changing my behavior.

I want to remember the lightness in my chest when she smiles at me, the sigh that escapes my parted lips when she holds me and the way we create our own safe space every time that we’re together.

These days, I feel a strength, a confidence and a joy like I’ve never known and its the most beautiful feeling in the world. I know, that life is full of challenges and although hard times are inevitable, they also help us appreciate the good times all the more.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year and I am so thankful for all the amazing in my current reality. I can only hope, that when the next roadblock emerges, I will remember everything that I feel now and bravely blaze a new trail.

Presence

I’ve come to realize that one of the the greatest gifts we have to share is our presence, our undivided attention and the vulnerability of exposing and sharing our true selves. This seemingly simple offering can not be quantified by money or material expectations because its reach far surpasses anything  physically tangible; the connecting of souls is visceral.

However, I’ve also discovered that although I’ve been sharing myself with others my entire life, I’d neglected to take the time to truly connect with me. I gave so much away, never pausing to realize that the person I needed to love and nourish was me. In 2016 I put a lot of energy into reflecting who I wanted to be; I don’t have all of the answers but being consciously present has helped me discover so many amazing things about living a life that brings me joy and happiness.

I am a unique, quirky and nerdy woman who stands proud and refuses to apologize for loving words, the pursuit of knowledge, creating lists and breathing in nature wholeheartedly. I am a woman who feels deeply, who empathizes, cares and tends to others, but no longer at the expense of myself. I pay attention and trust in my feelings, my experience and my journey. I love deeply, but I’ve learned how important it is to love myself first.

I am a mother and my children are a piece of me always. I trust in the messages and lessons my heart wants to share with my boys and I strive to parent from a place of love, honesty and trust. I have two hopes for my boys, the first is for them to always feel safe to talk to me about their dreams, their fears and everything in between and second, I want only  for them to grow up and be their most authentic and happy selves.

I believe in honesty, loyalty, empathy and authenticity. I believe that true strength emerges when we are brave and step forward in the face of fear. For years I was afraid to admit I was unhappy; to admit that my feelings mattered, that I mattered. I was afraid to walk away from a marriage and a life that brought me no joy.

I am no longer that woman, after stagnating for years, I am evolving each and every day; discovering, appreciating and respecting the opportunity to meet the woman I was once so scared to become.

This Love is Different

A new friend asked my about my girlfriend this weekend; she was genuinely interested in how we met, what we had in common and just generally engaged me in girl talk. It felt easy to open up to her, to tell her how this was different than anything I’d ever experienced and how amazing if felt to be so aligned about life and about love. I gushed about my amazing girlfriend and she listened, asked questions and allowed me to revel in the beauty of my relationship.

We’ve been dating almost four months and in hindsight I’ve realized that this was the first time I’ve had the opportunity to be girly and giddy about her and about us. I have had conversations about our relationship with some of my friends and a few special co-workers, but this was different.

My friends and family are protective of me, they’ve watched me hurt and they’ve watched me lose myself. They’ve supported me as I struggled to walk away from my marriage and again when I let a relationship become more than it was meant to be and started to lose myself in a whole new way. I understand why my people are cautious, why they don’t trust me to make the right choices, to put myself first and never compromise who I am for someone else, and I will never hold that against them. They are beautiful souls and I am fortunate to have them on my team.

But WE are different, SHE is different and everything about US feels different. When we finally had the opportunity to become friends, we bonded over a mutual desire for change, to have room to be and grow ourselves first and foremost regardless of our relationship status. And now that we are together, that continues to be a priority; I love her because of everything she is and all that she dreams of being. I have only love and support to offer as she strives to reach her goals and I feel the same from her every second of the day.

We are the only ones that feel what we feel, that live what we live and know what we know. And what I know, is that we are nothing like anything before. I know we will continue to love and support each other through the obstacles that are sure to cross our paths, we will grow on our own and we will grow together. In time, I’m certain that my people (and hers) will come to see all that we are and all that we give each other, and that will be nice, but its not necessary. It’s our relationship and we know that this love is different.

I am Enough

In a world ruled  by chaos, my constants used to be doubt, guilt and uncertainty; I could never seem to let go long enough to fully appreciate the beauty of my sheer existence. I was unable to see that everything I needed was within me: waiting to be nurtured, waiting to be free.

I needed to stand tall and leave behind the life I had built, with no idea where I was going, knowing only that the life I had wasn’t the one meant for me. I needed to learn to be me, just me; not a mom, not a wife, not a girlfriend, me.

And when I finally stood alone and channeled all my energy inwards, my world literally exploded and became something entirely new and incredibly beautiful. I found my ‘don’t give a fuck’ and started to let my opinion be the only one that mattered. For the first time I reflected on my dreams, my desires and my future without consideration for anyone else.

And when I did that, it was like putting on glasses for the first time; watching a world I thought I knew slowly come into focus, only to discover that nothing was quite what I had believed.

When I accepted my truth and claimed my gay, all the irrelevant baggage I’d been carrying around dissipated and I was left standing alone, looking in the mirror. In my reflection I see a lesbian, but more than that, I see woman who knows who she is and I see a woman who can’t hide the joy the emanates from within her. She’s been in there all along waiting to be free and now that we’ve united, what remains is an incredibly fierce woman who is absolutely enough.

I feel like I’ve spent the past twenty years convincing myself that my life was good enough, when all I had to do was root around in the box to look for that last piece of the puzzle. There was a time, when I was willing to settle for mediocrity, for normalcy, for smiles that didn’t reach my soul, but that time has passed and that door has closed.

I shine bright, because I am enough.