Words Set Me Free

I love words; words, become sentences, emotions, experiences and stories. Reading, writing, it doesn’t matter, words are an escape, an opportunity to feel the feelings within the confines of the mind.

Words have always set me free.

Given time, quiet and the opportunity, the random jumble that is constantly floating, flipping and turning in my mind escapes; snippets become something therapeutic and something beautiful, words that capture the experiences that I struggle to understand and the lessons I’m trying to learn.

For the first time in my life, I feel truly heard and understood in my process. I feel no guilt that the words are not yet available to me and I feel no pressure to find my words prematurely, instead I feel enveloped by patience and love, safe to roam, to discover and to hear my hearts song.

And I hear it now, my heart is singing.

My heart feels strong, true, authentic and free and my soul is brimming with a love unlike any I’ve ever known.

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Heart Song.

love-yourselfI remember the first time that I heard someone talk about their heart singing, it sounded  light, fluffy and unreal; I remember judging her a little bit and considering her a bit of a flake. Yet I still understood that the glow this woman carried with her was a result of being in tune with her personal desires, her strengths and weakness and most of all her heart.

Since that time, I’ve reflected a lot on this idea that there is a linkage between my personal fulfillment and honoring and accepting myself for all that I am. When I left my ex-husband I told him “I’ve come to realize, that OUR relationship, yours and mine, no longer makes my heart sing, and I just don’t want to try to make it anymore.”

And since that day, I’ve been growing, I’ve been changing and I’ve been listening. Some days I could hear the faintest whisper in my ear and others, the silence was deafening. But as my poem Sigh, emerged last week, I realized that my heart is in fact, starting to sing.

I’ve been doing the work to be true to myself and as a result not only is my heart’s song emerging, my heart feels fuller and warmer each and every day.

I am prioritizing me; saying no to that which doesn’t serve me.

I am accepting me; no longer standing with one foot on either side of the doorway, ready to embrace my rainbow.

I am trusting me; following feelings that cannot be ignored, and striving to remain confident in my own strength and authenticity.

I don’t remember the last time I heard more than little snippets of my heart song, but it doesn’t matter, the song is surely different now, more beautiful and perfectly suited to the woman I have, and will continue to, become.

Cautiously Optimistic

For me, October was an overwhelming awakening, an opportunity to see, to feel and to own my experiences without judgement and fear.

In contrast, November has brought me much reflection, consideration and confidence that I have changed. I’ve found myself filled with certainty that I am a different person than I once was.

But I remain cautious; humbled by the weight of my past decisions as I stumble through each day embracing my new reality. In the past I have lost myself in others and I have ignored realities that were meant to be seen.

Today, I believe I that I have changed and I’m working towards the confidence that I can sustain myself in the face of adversity. I want to believe that I have the strength to shine brightly and shine true, no matter the challenges that life presents.

I’m positive that in time, this certainty will arrive. Until then I will remain cautiously optimistic that I have the strength of character to stay true to the song my heart is singing, because finally, I think I’m listening.

Be What She Needs

A girl, that I’m pleased to call a friend, recently inquired about my past interest in women; curious whether it had come about suddenly, perhaps surprisingly, or if it was something that had been with me for years. She came to me because she’s met a girl, a girl whose struggling with her attraction, unsure if she is ready to date a woman.

For a moment, I struggled with how to respond; I could simply answer the question, but as much as she was asking about my experience, I knew that what she was really really looking for, was clarity in hers.

And so I offered her the only thing I could, honesty.

For years I have told myself that given the opportunity to date, I would pursue women. I have dated women in the past although never exclusively; I always had a boyfriend or a husband. The idea of dating a woman wasn’t new to me, it was like following through on something that I had been thinking about for all of my adult life.

That part was easy.

Giving up the hetero privilege that I never realized I had, or wanted, has proven to be  more difficult. I can no longer grab my partners hand, kiss her lips or profess my feelings at any given time or place without a very real worry of stares, comments or discomfort.

I tell myself frequently, ‘I’m too old to worry about what people think, if they don’t like it Fu*k them!’ and most of the time it works. Yet I still find myself occasionally feeling shy or awkward in certain circumstances: at the grocery store, at the playground, around strangers.

Part of me wants to pull away, to avoid any stares or discomfort, to hide behind the cozy comfort of my assumed straightness. But then, I find myself overcome with a shadow of shame and the acute awareness that I’m simply not ‘there’ yet.

It doesn’t mean I won’t be ‘there’ one day, it doesn’t mean that my girl means any less to me or that what I feel is any less authentic. It means I’m still figuring out who I am and what it means to be this new kind of me.

And my girl never, ever let’s me feel ashamed of being the ME that listens to the song that my heart has been trying so hard to sing.

She is always there loving me for who I am and supporting me along my journey; never rushing, never pushing, always letting me be. And that patience and that support means everything.

Be a rock, be a sponge, be a shoulder, whatever it is she needs, so long as its supportive, be that.

 

Each Day

Each day,
I care a little more,
And I love a little more.

Each day,
I give a little more
And I share a little more.

Each day,
The song sounds clearer
And the notes sound richer.

Each day,
My heart opens,
Just a little bit more.

So you can find your way in.

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My Girl

My Girl,
I love the sounds as they roll off my tongue,
And the smile that sneaks across my face,
When those simple words escape my lips.

My Girl,
With a heart that has been broken,
Emotions that have gone unheard,
And a soul that has gone unfulfilled.

My Girl,
Who has the strength,
The resiliency and the ability,
To weather any storm.

My Girl,
Puts her trust in me,
To treasure her heart,
And guard her soul.

My Girl,
We are light in the darkness,
Together, the sun shines brighter,
And the songs ring clearer.

My Girl,
There is no denying,
There is no doubt,
I am Your Girl.

I feel…

JANUARY

heartsingExcited about what the future may bring and hopeful that change is already happening. I feel like myself; unguarded and free to be, simply me. Being a mom is ingrained in who I am but it’s not the only thing that I am.

Sad that my revelations, my happiness and my future will come at the expense of my marriage, but it only takes a moment to remember why I left.

Certain that I NEED and deserve to live a life that makes my heart sing.