Friendship and Affirmation

My mom always told me that people come into your life when you need them, and sometimes they leave when the experiences you were meant to share have passed. She also told me that the friends worth keeping are the ones that can be absent for years, but when you connect, everything feels the same. She is a wise woman in this respect and I take her advice very seriously.

Lately I’ve been working on letting people go; people who feel I’m too much or perhaps aren’t supportive of the place where my journey is taking me. There have been tears, emotions and an utter lack of clarity, but through it all I have embraced my authentic self and stood proud. I’ve extended olive branches and I’ve tried to bring back friendships that were once strong, but everything is different now.

I AM different now, because I appreciate and honor all that I am.

I am a hard working woman who provides for her family and strives to raise boys that respect not only themselves, but those around them.

I am a responsible, independent woman who owns a house, tows her trailer and knows her way around a budget.

I am gay and completely, ridiculously, head over heels in love with the most amazing woman and I don’t care who knows it.

Anyone who doesn’t respect and honour all of that doesn’t deserve my energy or my time; I am a strong woman and I will never again change for someone else.

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a few old friends, people I haven’t seen (or stayed well connected with) in over 10 years and when I saw them, I could feel my heart flutter with happiness and joy.

THESE are MY PEOPLE.

And they love me (and I them), despite a distance of years, just the same as they did the last time I saw them. And the most beautifully affirming thing happened while in their presence, they told me (unprompted and not in the presence of each other) that my authenticity and sense of self was just as they remembered it.

They both said I had barely changed.

I know that’s not true but it re-affirms that I’m on the right path. I’m not creating a new version of myself, I’m rediscovering and redefining the girl that I used to be and the woman I was always meant to be.

I was lost for a long time, but now I’m found.

One Year Ago

From the first moment, there was something; a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on, yet couldn’t deny. Before me was a strong but gentle, fierce and sweet woman whom I needed to know. Amid a sea of people, a room awash with emotions, she was my distraction; a source of curiosity and wonder. On that day, neither of us could have predicted that an incidental meeting would ultimately change our lives. And yet, perhaps we could.

Tomorrow, it will have been exactly one year since that first meeting. We talked for moments, yet I felt a strong sense of familiarity in her presence; I found my gaze drawn to her and my interest piqued by this lovely creature I didn’t even know. We had, and have, a connection that I didn’t know how to recognize at the time but that could be felt from deep within my being.

I believe that if we listen, our bodies, our minds, our heart and our soul know what we need. I believe that we have the answers to the questions we are afraid to ask but we need to be brave enough to trust our own intuition. The familiarity, comfort and solace that we shared that day would take months to understand, but I know now, that we had been searching for one another and our meeting allowed our souls to mingle and reconnect.

I feel so lucky to call that special girl mine. Every day I feel the joy of sharing a connection that far surpasses expectations and even describable emotions. With her by my side I feel a oneness and a balance that makes me stronger and more confident in myself than ever before. We are strong, independent women, but together we are unstoppable.

When we touch, the fire inside me glows strong and my soul smiles; I feel the beauty of a love that accepts me, supports me, recharges me and builds me up each and every day. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but one year ago I met a girl who would change my life and I have no intention of letting her go.

Today

Today, my boys let us sleep in for an hour and a half, because they were making surprises for us. We woke up to happy camaraderie and beautiful gifts. A hand drawn stick man family that made my heart swell with love and gratitude, a small handmade comic and a batman cutout.  Today, my boys showed us their love.

This weekend, I feel like we leveled up. In a moment when I couldn’t, I watched her interact with my boy, just as I would have; with love and honesty and a bit of toughness. We shared shy smiles of happiness as we dreamed of our shared future. I watched her solve a conundrum, and in her actions I could feel her feet so firmly planted inside the circus ring. Today, quite simply, felt like family.

Today, felt special, extraordinary and ordinary in the exact right way. Together, we relaxed and then together we prepared for our day in a way that flowed so naturally, so easily and so efficiently. Today, it was the little things reminding me that balance exists in our connection; our energy is shared yet remains unique.

This weekend, I had moments, when I needed her. She held me in her arms and stroked my hair as I felt the feelings and let things (that no longer served me) go. She found me  a moment of solace amidst a windstorm of chaos and today, I felt all the love for my boys, for my girl and for the adventure that we are embarking on.

Today, my future feels so fucking bright.

I want to write…

For the past week, I’ve felt the urge to write, but lacked the clarity to find my words. Within my uncertainty there is a whirlwind of thoughts and ideas all drifting just out of my reach.

I want to write about strength, about digging deep and reflecting on the questions that matter. Almost everyday I ponder the question, who do I want to be? And there is only one answer, I want to be ME. But what does that mean? Who am I? I am an individual that believes in honesty, integrity and love. I believe in silver linings, the golden rule and that there is always a place for kindness. I value connection, authenticity and the beauty of an individual who is willing to bare their soul.

I want to write about wishes, dreams, desires. Every day, I wish for three things, love, light and happiness because I know now they are what matter. The little things matter. Life isn’t about grand gestures and sweeping statements its about finding joy in everyday moments, in the journey of our life. I dream of a future that is not only rooted in love, light and happiness but also spreads the light and touches everyone around me.

I want to write about family and motherhood. The warmth in my soul, when my son climbs into my lap, strokes my hair and tucks his head into the crook of my neck. The way my heart swells when my boy curls up with a book, getting lost in another world. The way my heart breaks when my boys struggle, when they feel lost and unloved and I feel unable to protect them.

I want to write about love. The beauty that exists when two souls find each other, somehow intertwining yet remaining unique. The gasp that exists only for her, the certainty that she is my person. The purity of a love that never judges, always listens and hears that which I do not say.

I want to write about sadness and letting go; the realization that there are casualties of change and its time to stop holding on. Understanding that tears and disappointment are sometimes necessary and should be embraced, not feared.

I want to write about a lot of things, but this week, none of them feel quite right. Perhaps tomorrow (or next week) the words will flow for me, but I will not worry and I will not judge. My journey continues and my story will too.

Live in the Now

In six days, I will officially be divorced.

I know that its just a piece of paper, and the only thing it gives me (that my separation agreement didn’t) was the ability re-marry, which is currently not on my agenda; yet it feels monumental. Never again will I have to tick a box that says I’m separated from a man I don’t want in my life. I will be divorced.

Coincidentally, this weekend I felt my mindset shift and my thought patterns change. I no longer want to look at my life in comparison to the reality that didn’t serve me; that life and those memories, though important, do not define the life I live now. They do not deserve to be the yardstick by which I measure the success of my life, the bounty of my my happiness or the depth of my love.

I feel things now, that I never dreamed were possible and they are beautiful and perfect in their own right, and I shall respect them as such. I had a moment of clarity this weekend, my hands literally digging in the earth, I felt myself reset.  I realized that in order to clear the space I need to feel the feelings of my life and continue to grow, to thrive and be free, it is time to stop comparing my reality to my past.

It is time to simply live in the now.

Being Strong

There is a vulnerability that comes with being strong; it stems from an expectation (likely of ourselves) that we don’t need anyone’s help. That we can walk away from everyone and anyone at any time without consequence. Yes, we can make a choice to change our lives, but its never easy. Change is wrought with emotions and often we carry that burden alone.

In my life, I suspect there will never be a harder decision to make than the day I told my ex-husband that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I couldn’t be his wife, that I simply couldn’t be this person that I was ‘supposed’ to be anymore. And with love and support from the people in my life, I stood tall and I stood strong as I walked away from everything I had known and took a chance on me.

After that, life should be easy.

But its never that simple. Being confident, being strong and being me feels so good, but there will always be casualties of change. People, places and things in my life may shift but I’m learning to let those things go, because being strong doesn’t mean that I need to have everything figured out.

Being strong means staying true to my heart, to my values and to my soul.
Being strong means knowing my own priorities and not being led astray.
Being strong means being brave enough to dream and a willingness to sacrifice to get there.
Being strong means knowing when I can’t do it alone and asking for help.
But most of all, being strong means knowing when to let go.

It Takes Time

In some ways, being out has been easy for me; once I accepted my truth, it became easy to live it. I started to shine and slowly but surely I began to find my identity, I used to feel uncertain where I fit, not quite deserving of a contributing seat at the gay table and yet clearly not meant to fit in the hetero world either.

But all of that has changed, I feel a comfortable camaraderie being lumped into the lesbian stereotypes and happily giggle along with all the gay funnies. Its taken me twenty long years to find myself, but when I finally burst out of that closet, literally everything became clearer.

I live my life according to my own agenda, I pursue love and light and happiness and I will not compromise that which is important to me for anyone ever again. Yet its important to keep things in perspective, to remember my life, my choices and my person have impacts on others.

My family, my parents in particular, are struggling. In their hearts, I know they want me to be happy, and they understand that love is love but having a gay daughter isn’t exactly the same as generally supporting the gay agenda. I know that to them, its a change of massive proportions and that in time, everything will work itself out.

Meeting  my girlfriend’s family last week made my heart swell and gave me a glimpse of family inclusivity. Her family has had virtually her entire adult life to come to terms with her sexuality and its very evident that my girlfriends family loves and accepts her just as  she is; it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

I can only hope that in time, my family will adjust to my new reality and be able to not just accept, but welcome my gay self and my love with open arms.