There are days when I worry.

Someday, I WORRY that I work too much. That my work affects my time with my boys. I get distracted and I get flustered; sometimes for a moment and sometimes for much longer.

There are days, when I WORRY that I’ll lose my job and in an instant my boys world would be turned upside down, again. Work has been challenging lately, and I’ve joked, more than once, about working at the local gas station instead. But the truth is, I provide for my family; I pay child support and spousal support, I own my own home and in a way I pay for my exes home too. Since I left my him (as far as I know) he has only worked part-time, three days a week for three months of the year.

Sometimes, I WORRY about the quality of the time, that I spend with my boys. I am a working mom, and sometimes, I simply want to be lazy, but I’m terrible at it. There’s always something to do, always a chore that needs to be done or a meal that needs to be cooked. Sometimes, when I just don’t want to do anything, I end up feeling guilty; an old habit that isn’t rooted in reality.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I still WORRY that I am too much. I have a heart that loves big and and the resulting feelings I experience, are also big and I know, it can be overwhelming. Not to mention that choosing me, also means choosing my boys and that is a big decision.

But even when I have my moments of worry, there are things that I know to be true. Things that are more beautiful than the tiny thoughts, remnants of old habits, old patterns and the old me that float in my mind.

I KNOW, that I am doing the best that I can. That some days are going to be hard and some days I’m going to knock it out of the fucking park. But I probably shouldn’t swear, because then my kids will ban me from prime rib (my favourite food) for a week. Silly boys don’t understand we can’t afford to eat it anyways.

And all of that, makes me smile. I love the banter that I have with my children, the jokes, the love and the unity that is US. They have seen me blossom and I believe that they see a mom who is happy, who is true and who loves them with all her heart. And if I KNOW that, what is left to worry about?

And my boys, who I refused to let grow up in a home without love, now get to see love and a healthy, communicative relationship. I have a girl, that I plan to share a lifetime with. I KNOW that we share the most beautiful connection, something far more ethereal than my previous understanding of love. I have a girl that makes me feel nothing but love and support when I unapologetically stand before her in all my nerdy, quirky, awkward glory. I love that girl.

I KNOW, that money and material things don’t buy happiness. I KNOW that I will always provide for my family and I will always find a way.  I also know there is no need for concern, both of my bosses and their bosses have taken the time to assure me my performance is good.

But life is about more than performance, its about a joy that comes from within. When I finally let my joy Shine Bright, my world changed and I KNOW I’ll never forget that, especially when I’m having a moment of WORRY.

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11:11

For the past year, I have wished for ‘love, light and happiness’ every single time that I have encountered an 11:11, and there have been many. Almost daily those numbers flash before me and I feel a connection with the universe; a doorway of opportunity to share my energy and release my dreams.

According to Kate Rose, the number 11 is “the universe giving us a sign to focus, to look at what is trying to call to us. It’s also letting us know that we’re on the right track” and 11:11 is related to “merging with our twin flames.”

Interestingly, my girlfriend and I had our first (not) date last year, on November first (11/1) and this year we celebrated our one year anniversary, our very own 11:11, when she came home.

I no longer have to ask where she will lay her head at the end of the day, because I know the answer. Before we sleep, her head will snuggle onto my chest and I will stroke her hair as our breathing blends to one. We will fall asleep together, in our bed. Because its no longer hers and mine, its ours. Our home and our life.

Seeing her every, single day gives me a ridiculous giddy smile and an indescribable feeling of joy and satisfaction. We have a lifetime of adventure ahead of us and although I never envisioned myself here, I feel nothing but certainty that this place, with this girl, my heart bursting with love, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Sometimes

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has chosen me, that each day, she chooses me, just as I choose her. But in truth, loving her is one of the realest, most authentic things I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever stop, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes, I can’t believe how much I want her, how much I crave her presence, her touch, her smile, her laugh. I am magnetized by her energy, we share a current that vibrates with more intensity than I ever could have imagined possible.

Sometimes, I can feel our souls connecting; recharging, revitalizing and communicating on an ethereal level that words could never describe. I believe that everything before was meant to be bring me face to face with the woman who would touch my soul in an instant.

Sometimes, I can’t believe that this life, filled with love and light and happiness, is mine; that all of this is real. That I have co-created a life that fulfills me and found my own joy by becoming the centre of my own universe.

Sometimes, I just sit back and revel in all the love I have for myself, for my life and for my lovely lady, because all that love is absolutely worth savoring.

Chasing Lust

In my life, I have chased lust and I’ve chased it hard; but no matter what boundary I pushed I was always left wanting more. Despite my efforts and willingness to try anything, I was never fully satiated. My body, my biology, understood how to feel good, how to find a physical release if only I could quiet my mind. And so I learned, to take solace in an orgasm; a moment of pleasure amongst a dreary existence.

What I understand now is that chasing lust, a purely physical experience, could never really fulfill me because good as it feels, love changes everything. I am filled with love and light and happiness now; I know, with certainty, that I emanate a confidence and a joy that comes from loving myself and is only strengthened by the love I share with my girlfriend.

I have now experienced the beautiful meeting of love and lust and I know nothing will ever be the same. All those years, I hoped that lust could fill the emptiness that resided in my heart, but I was looking in the wrong place. I needed love, not lust, and there was none in my life.

Every day, I am amazed by the fullness in my heart, the smiles in my soul and my ability to love and be loved by her. Together we chase our collective lust, guided only by our hearts and it is the most soul-shattering, satisfying  thing I’ve ever experienced.

It is a mistake, of colossal magnitude, to think that lust alone is enough.

Being out

As far as defining moments in life go, coming out definitely makes the list, but what’s interesting for me is that although I’m definitely out, owning it and living it, I’m not exactly sure when it happened.

When I wrote the words I’m gay on this blog, it became real to me. Putting the words to the universe and publishing them (even anonymously) on the internet was absolutely when I knew I was ready to begin living my truth. But hitting publish on a blog post hardly equates the struggles of coming out; in truth, I think I’d been slowly peeking out of the metaphorical closet all year, tackling difficult conversations and situations on an as needed basis.

A little over a week after I published that post, I told my girlfriend I thought it was time for us to share a photo on social media; we got almost 50 likes. A few days later, she posted a ‘date night’ photo that I later realized was my first public acknowledgement that I was a dating a girl; we got over 60 likes. I recognize likes should never be a measure of success or acceptance, they are an artificial measure that has minimal value in the real world, however we were both excited to share in the rising number and recount stories of our apparent supporters.

Does my girlfriend posting a picture on Facebook count as coming out? I feel like the answer is instinctively no and yet simultaneously yes. Facebook connects me with hundreds of people, many of whom are acquaintances at best, and with one giddy eyed, happy, heart captioned photo (not to mention the one I posted a few weeks later) anyone paying attention should be able to see she’s mine, but then again, that’s not an explicit admission that I’m a lesbian either.

But really, it’s all irrelevant because being out is about me and how I choose to interact with the world. I don’t have to announce my sexuality to anyone in order to own it, its mine and mine alone.

I’m gay and that’s a pretty huge piece of the puzzle, but it will never define me. I am not my sexuality, but it was a mistake (that I was living each and every day) to ignore my truth. Being out, has been so much easier than standing with one foot in the closet, never sure what to say, what to feel and what to share. Now, I say what I feel and I mean what I say; I mention ‘my girlfriend’ in conversation frequently, because she’s part of my life, my heart  and my stories.

I’ve been lucky, and I know it. People in my life have been generally supportive and so far most people  barely bat an eye when I mention my girlfriend. I know, that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and some days being gay is going to be a challenge, but you know what’s tougher than having to fight for who you are and who you love?

Living a lie and trying to fit into a life that’s not meant for you.  I don’t know exactly when it happened and I don’t have some fantastic coming out story to share, but I am out now; this is me, this is my life and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I am.

I heard something recently that makes me believe my ex-girlfriend is still hurting; I never wanted to hurt her. Truth be told, I’m softhearted and never want to hurt anyone, but it seems to happen. She’s no longer entitled to have an opinion on my life or my choices, nor do I have any obligation to explain them to her, but I can imagine her questions just the same, because I know the questions I ask myself.

Am I ready…
Am I strong enough…
Am I true enough…
Am I ME enough…
To love somebody else?

When I was in the 9th grade, we had to do a project; we had to pretend we had just graduated and plan out the next five years of our lives using advertisements and newspapers clippings. My partner and I had to find jobs, a place to live and create a monthly budget in order to survive. When I told my mom there would be no marriage or kids in my ‘future’ she looked me squarely in the eyes and told me, ‘if you wait until your ‘ready’ you’ll spend your entire life waiting and you’ll never do anything’.

She wanted me to know, that sometimes you have to take a chance and follow your heart. I don’t know what the future holds and I don’t know what challenges life has in store for me, but I know, without hesitation, that my life right now feels right.

I haven’t forgotten that there are things I need to do alone and things I need to do for myself; that lesson has been challenging for me, but I’m certain now, that I will not buckle.

And I’m certain that the love in my heart is something that can’t and won’t be ignored; that nothing and nobody in my life has ever felt so right, made me feel so free to soar and yet so safe to fall.

And so, when I ask myself, am I ready to love somebody else, the answer is clear.

I AM.

I met a girl

Have you ever met someone and felt immediately at ease?  As if you could talk for hours, even though you’d only known each other for moments? Have you felt an energy that made a stranger feel like a friend and a moment that could have been so awkward feel safe?

I have.

Before I met her, I was not a believer; instant connections were the things of fairytales, story books and television shows. Real people had real, tangible experiences that logic could follow.

But I was wrong.

It was literally months, five to be exact, between our first meeting and the next; a lot of life, growth and change happened (for both of us) during that time. But eventually, we had dinner. We talked for hours, neither of us wanting to leave, both of us amazed how aligned our perspectives on life were.

In time, we would come to admit that something special existed between us; something different than I had ever experienced and certainly something more than I knew was possible.

I met a girl and together we’re discovering that nothing’s as it used to be and everything’s as it’s meant to be. Together and apart, we are growing, we are changing and we are supporting one another in our journey to live our own authentic truth.