I am home.

For the past three nights, I’ve been away for work.

For three nights, I’ve missed the sound of her breathing and the weight of her head on my chest as I’ve drifted to sleep.

For three mornings, I’ve rolled over only to discover that she isn’t there to snuggle as my body awakens for a new day.

For three days, I’ve missed her in ways I never knew possible.

When I hear the door open, I spin, soapy hands outreached and a grin on my face as she rushes towards me. I jump as she lifts and in an instant, all is well with the world.

We are wrapped up in each other, smiling like giddy school girls as we kiss, again and again, trying to make up for three days in a single moment.

I am so happy to be home.

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There are days when I worry.

Someday, I WORRY that I work too much. That my work affects my time with my boys. I get distracted and I get flustered; sometimes for a moment and sometimes for much longer.

There are days, when I WORRY that I’ll lose my job and in an instant my boys world would be turned upside down, again. Work has been challenging lately, and I’ve joked, more than once, about working at the local gas station instead. But the truth is, I provide for my family; I pay child support and spousal support, I own my own home and in a way I pay for my exes home too. Since I left my him (as far as I know) he has only worked part-time, three days a week for three months of the year.

Sometimes, I WORRY about the quality of the time, that I spend with my boys. I am a working mom, and sometimes, I simply want to be lazy, but I’m terrible at it. There’s always something to do, always a chore that needs to be done or a meal that needs to be cooked. Sometimes, when I just don’t want to do anything, I end up feeling guilty; an old habit that isn’t rooted in reality.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I still WORRY that I am too much. I have a heart that loves big and and the resulting feelings I experience, are also big and I know, it can be overwhelming. Not to mention that choosing me, also means choosing my boys and that is a big decision.

But even when I have my moments of worry, there are things that I know to be true. Things that are more beautiful than the tiny thoughts, remnants of old habits, old patterns and the old me that float in my mind.

I KNOW, that I am doing the best that I can. That some days are going to be hard and some days I’m going to knock it out of the fucking park. But I probably shouldn’t swear, because then my kids will ban me from prime rib (my favourite food) for a week. Silly boys don’t understand we can’t afford to eat it anyways.

And all of that, makes me smile. I love the banter that I have with my children, the jokes, the love and the unity that is US. They have seen me blossom and I believe that they see a mom who is happy, who is true and who loves them with all her heart. And if I KNOW that, what is left to worry about?

And my boys, who I refused to let grow up in a home without love, now get to see love and a healthy, communicative relationship. I have a girl, that I plan to share a lifetime with. I KNOW that we share the most beautiful connection, something far more ethereal than my previous understanding of love. I have a girl that makes me feel nothing but love and support when I unapologetically stand before her in all my nerdy, quirky, awkward glory. I love that girl.

I KNOW, that money and material things don’t buy happiness. I KNOW that I will always provide for my family and I will always find a way.  I also know there is no need for concern, both of my bosses and their bosses have taken the time to assure me my performance is good.

But life is about more than performance, its about a joy that comes from within. When I finally let my joy Shine Bright, my world changed and I KNOW I’ll never forget that, especially when I’m having a moment of WORRY.

My evolution of Christmas

Four years ago, I was preparing for a Christmas of chaos. I had three families to coordinate, my own husband and children, my parents, siblings and children and my (now very ex) husbands mother, sister and children. I had presents to buy, presents to wrap and most importantly time to allocate between three homes that exist approximately two hours apart, collectively ending up  four hours from home.

In my mind, the years of Christmas chaos begin to blend and I struggle to remember the specifics of each, but I remember feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, guilty and so exhausted.

Three years ago, I was preparing for a Christmas unlike any I had ever known. I was alone, I was sad and I cried many tears. I had friends to pick me up, to keep me busy and to share their joy, but it was hard. However, when I finally gathered with my family and my children again, I felt a freedom I’d never known. Like the anchor I had been dragging behind me had finally been left behind.

Last year, I was surrounded (in my tiny townhouse) with my family; together with my children and my parents we celebrated Christmas in a whole new way. It was small, it was personal and I loved it. When my children went to see their Dad and his family, I spent a week with the most amazing girl, someone whom I couldn’t deny my feelings for and discovered that after a week together the only thing I wanted, was more.

This year, she is part of the family. Together we setup the Christmas tree, we listen to Christmas carols and we bake (gluten free) goodies. Together, we wrote Christmas cards, we bought presents, we hide the damn elf and we wrap the seemingly endless presents. We will have our own Christmas day and then pick up my boys and make the way to my family to celebrate Christmas all together with the family.

This year, I’m excited to see what Christmas will bring; together our idea of Christmas is evolving by the day and I’ve never seen anything quite so beautiful.

THIS is love.

I can feel my face as it transitions, tiny muscles contracting, moving and changing as my head nods ever so slightly and my eyes gaze downward (not with embarrassment but for privacy) as my emotions spill across my face.

I am overcome with a childish light; I giggle as the words tumble from my lips.

I love you.

I am amazed by the purity and authenticity of my feelings. My desire to share, all of me, with all of her. Her love envelopes me; urging me to be strong, to be brave and to be free, while assuring me that my heart is safe in her hands. My body craves the intimacy that we share, a current that connects us with a rawness like I’ve never known.

A year later, and she still makes me giddy; my happiness, my joy and my truth are written all over my face, every damn day.

And I know, THIS is love.

11:11

For the past year, I have wished for ‘love, light and happiness’ every single time that I have encountered an 11:11, and there have been many. Almost daily those numbers flash before me and I feel a connection with the universe; a doorway of opportunity to share my energy and release my dreams.

According to Kate Rose, the number 11 is “the universe giving us a sign to focus, to look at what is trying to call to us. It’s also letting us know that we’re on the right track” and 11:11 is related to “merging with our twin flames.”

Interestingly, my girlfriend and I had our first (not) date last year, on November first (11/1) and this year we celebrated our one year anniversary, our very own 11:11, when she came home.

I no longer have to ask where she will lay her head at the end of the day, because I know the answer. Before we sleep, her head will snuggle onto my chest and I will stroke her hair as our breathing blends to one. We will fall asleep together, in our bed. Because its no longer hers and mine, its ours. Our home and our life.

Seeing her every, single day gives me a ridiculous giddy smile and an indescribable feeling of joy and satisfaction. We have a lifetime of adventure ahead of us and although I never envisioned myself here, I feel nothing but certainty that this place, with this girl, my heart bursting with love, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

October

This October, is going to be different she said, better than your last two.

And she’s right; it would take a fairly major life catastrophe to be worse at this point. Last October I struggled; I cried a lot of tears, felt a lot of feelings and grew a lot. I remember sitting in a hotel room (which I coincidentally have been this week as well), awash with emotion trying to understand why.

And then I knew, it had been 365 days since I changed my life.

In October 2015, I walked away from a marriage that brought me no joy and from a life that was slowly stealing my soul. I recognized and admitted that I was worthy of the life that I desired and that life was not meant to be lived in the shadows.

In October 2016, I finally began to let it all go and in doing so, began to find myself. Only a few months later, I embraced my sexuality and my life exploded with rainbows, joy and happiness.

And this year, in October 2017, I have laughed, I have smiled and I have celebrated family, love and the girl that makes my heart sing. This October I have embraced the life that I have chosen and made space only for that which deserves the honour of existing within the recesses of my heart and soul.

the little things

Before I met her, I don’t think I truly understood what people meant what they said ‘it’s the little things’, but now, I get it.

My girl shows me her love in all the ways, big and small.

The patience she shows me, every damn day, while we figure out this journey called life.

The way she respects and honours my boys and the way we’re redefining boundaries together.

The way she’s always been able to read and understand me, even when I’m uncertain what I want or need.

The way she shows up at my door with ice cream at the end of a long day, even when I’ve told her I’m fine.

I could go on, but my intention isn’t to ramble; this is the fifth night I’ve been away from her and I miss her terribly.

The way she nuzzles into my chest and everything just fits.

The way the scent of her floods my senses and immediately brings a smile to my face.

The way our bodies intertwine so naturally, as if they’re meant to be one.

I feel like the luckiest girl to have found a love that honours me not only with her words, but with her actions.

Words are cheap, but making the effort every single day, is the stuff dreams are made of. Life isn’t all fairytales and romance, sometimes it’s quite simply, all about the little things.