Friendship and Affirmation

My mom always told me that people come into your life when you need them, and sometimes they leave when the experiences you were meant to share have passed. She also told me that the friends worth keeping are the ones that can be absent for years, but when you connect, everything feels the same. She is a wise woman in this respect and I take her advice very seriously.

Lately I’ve been working on letting people go; people who feel I’m too much or perhaps aren’t supportive of the place where my journey is taking me. There have been tears, emotions and an utter lack of clarity, but through it all I have embraced my authentic self and stood proud. I’ve extended olive branches and I’ve tried to bring back friendships that were once strong, but everything is different now.

I AM different now, because I appreciate and honor all that I am.

I am a hard working woman who provides for her family and strives to raise boys that respect not only themselves, but those around them.

I am a responsible, independent woman who owns a house, tows her trailer and knows her way around a budget.

I am gay and completely, ridiculously, head over heels in love with the most amazing woman and I don’t care who knows it.

Anyone who doesn’t respect and honour all of that doesn’t deserve my energy or my time; I am a strong woman and I will never again change for someone else.

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a few old friends, people I haven’t seen (or stayed well connected with) in over 10 years and when I saw them, I could feel my heart flutter with happiness and joy.

THESE are MY PEOPLE.

And they love me (and I them), despite a distance of years, just the same as they did the last time I saw them. And the most beautifully affirming thing happened while in their presence, they told me (unprompted and not in the presence of each other) that my authenticity and sense of self was just as they remembered it.

They both said I had barely changed.

I know that’s not true but it re-affirms that I’m on the right path. I’m not creating a new version of myself, I’m rediscovering and redefining the girl that I used to be and the woman I was always meant to be.

I was lost for a long time, but now I’m found.

One Year Ago

From the first moment, there was something; a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on, yet couldn’t deny. Before me was a strong but gentle, fierce and sweet woman whom I needed to know. Amid a sea of people, a room awash with emotions, she was my distraction; a source of curiosity and wonder. On that day, neither of us could have predicted that an incidental meeting would ultimately change our lives. And yet, perhaps we could.

Tomorrow, it will have been exactly one year since that first meeting. We talked for moments, yet I felt a strong sense of familiarity in her presence; I found my gaze drawn to her and my interest piqued by this lovely creature I didn’t even know. We had, and have, a connection that I didn’t know how to recognize at the time but that could be felt from deep within my being.

I believe that if we listen, our bodies, our minds, our heart and our soul know what we need. I believe that we have the answers to the questions we are afraid to ask but we need to be brave enough to trust our own intuition. The familiarity, comfort and solace that we shared that day would take months to understand, but I know now, that we had been searching for one another and our meeting allowed our souls to mingle and reconnect.

I feel so lucky to call that special girl mine. Every day I feel the joy of sharing a connection that far surpasses expectations and even describable emotions. With her by my side I feel a oneness and a balance that makes me stronger and more confident in myself than ever before. We are strong, independent women, but together we are unstoppable.

When we touch, the fire inside me glows strong and my soul smiles; I feel the beauty of a love that accepts me, supports me, recharges me and builds me up each and every day. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but one year ago I met a girl who would change my life and I have no intention of letting her go.

Today

Today, my boys let us sleep in for an hour and a half, because they were making surprises for us. We woke up to happy camaraderie and beautiful gifts. A hand drawn stick man family that made my heart swell with love and gratitude, a small handmade comic and a batman cutout.  Today, my boys showed us their love.

This weekend, I feel like we leveled up. In a moment when I couldn’t, I watched her interact with my boy, just as I would have; with love and honesty and a bit of toughness. We shared shy smiles of happiness as we dreamed of our shared future. I watched her solve a conundrum, and in her actions I could feel her feet so firmly planted inside the circus ring. Today, quite simply, felt like family.

Today, felt special, extraordinary and ordinary in the exact right way. Together, we relaxed and then together we prepared for our day in a way that flowed so naturally, so easily and so efficiently. Today, it was the little things reminding me that balance exists in our connection; our energy is shared yet remains unique.

This weekend, I had moments, when I needed her. She held me in her arms and stroked my hair as I felt the feelings and let things (that no longer served me) go. She found me  a moment of solace amidst a windstorm of chaos and today, I felt all the love for my boys, for my girl and for the adventure that we are embarking on.

Today, my future feels so fucking bright.

She is MY Person

Sometimes I watch people, couples, and I want so badly to tell them that they deserve more, that I too have fallen for the lure of a mediocre relationship, but its not worth it. The universe has so much more in store for all of us, if only we are brave enough to believe.

I am not however, presumptuous enough to say any such thing. I know, that we are all living our own story and following our own path; my observations are just the things that I see from the outside and I will never experience their journey.

I know, that my girlfriend and I are in the early stages of our time together, we only truly found each other six months ago; we met 5 months prior, but regardless our time so far is just a blip in the timeline of our lives.

But this time, for the first time, I feel a calm certainty that she is my person. We are unique, strong and fierce women that are more than capable of everything life has and will throw our way, but that doesn’t change what a beautiful thing it has been to find her.

But how do I know that SHE is my person?

I know she is my person because I already can’t imagine a life without her, because she makes even the most mundane (or overwhelming) tasks better simply by being close, by being present, by being near.

Because when I’m having big feelings, instead wanting to be alone (as I always have) the only thing in the world that I want is to rest my head in her softness and melt into the safety of her arms while she gently strokes my hair. Because more than anything, I want to be there to hold her, to cover her in kisses and help her feel the feelings too.

Because from the first time we met, our souls and beings reached for one another. We met as strangers and in only a few moments she was ingrained in my mind, that moment forever imprinted in my heart.

She is my person, quite simply, because she’s meant to be. We are meant to love and support each other in this journey called life; what that looks like I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t care because with her  by my side I feel stronger, braver, free-er, and more authentic than I’ve ever felt before.

I am so lucky, that not only have I met MY person; we found each other at a time when we were both ready to realize and recognize each other.

She is My Person and I love her so.

It Takes Time

In some ways, being out has been easy for me; once I accepted my truth, it became easy to live it. I started to shine and slowly but surely I began to find my identity, I used to feel uncertain where I fit, not quite deserving of a contributing seat at the gay table and yet clearly not meant to fit in the hetero world either.

But all of that has changed, I feel a comfortable camaraderie being lumped into the lesbian stereotypes and happily giggle along with all the gay funnies. Its taken me twenty long years to find myself, but when I finally burst out of that closet, literally everything became clearer.

I live my life according to my own agenda, I pursue love and light and happiness and I will not compromise that which is important to me for anyone ever again. Yet its important to keep things in perspective, to remember my life, my choices and my person have impacts on others.

My family, my parents in particular, are struggling. In their hearts, I know they want me to be happy, and they understand that love is love but having a gay daughter isn’t exactly the same as generally supporting the gay agenda. I know that to them, its a change of massive proportions and that in time, everything will work itself out.

Meeting  my girlfriend’s family last week made my heart swell and gave me a glimpse of family inclusivity. Her family has had virtually her entire adult life to come to terms with her sexuality and its very evident that my girlfriends family loves and accepts her just as  she is; it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

I can only hope that in time, my family will adjust to my new reality and be able to not just accept, but welcome my gay self and my love with open arms.

 

Breathless

I remember the first time I kissed a boy; I was 13, it was a warm summer night and I absolutely hated it. He pressed his lips pressed so hard against mine, his tongue invading my mouth and what I remember most clearly, is an overwhelming inability to breathe.

And in the twenty years that followed, I continued to hate kissing boys and generally avoided it. I convinced myself that my allergies and stuffy nose were the culprit of my distaste and my ex never questioned it. He also accepted that I wasn’t very affectionate and I hated snuggles, cuddles and touching in general.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; I was 19, she was a friend and her kisses felt so right. Soft lips, sensual caresses and an instinctual familiarity and comfort that left me breathless. And somehow over the years that would follow, I would neglect to realize the difference between feeling unable to breathe and feeling breathless and more importantly, just who made me feel each.

This is just one of the signs of my sexuality that I ignored; I wasted years making excuses and choosing not to listen to my intuition and my instincts. I know now that I had it wrong all along, I wasn’t unaffectionate and I didn’t hate kissing, I hated kissing boys.

But where my girlfriend is concerned, I love all the kisses and always seem to need just one more. My girlfriend fills me with love and light and happiness, her kisses are like candy for my soul, filling me with a sweetness that I can never quite seem to get enough of, her touch awakens my nerve endings, sending tiny ripples of energy undulating across my skin.

In her arms, I feel like I’m finally home.

Sometimes

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has chosen me, that each day, she chooses me, just as I choose her. But in truth, loving her is one of the realest, most authentic things I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever stop, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes, I can’t believe how much I want her, how much I crave her presence, her touch, her smile, her laugh. I am magnetized by her energy, we share a current that vibrates with more intensity than I ever could have imagined possible.

Sometimes, I can feel our souls connecting; recharging, revitalizing and communicating on an ethereal level that words could never describe. I believe that everything before was meant to be bring me face to face with the woman who would touch my soul in an instant.

Sometimes, I can’t believe that this life, filled with love and light and happiness, is mine; that all of this is real. That I have co-created a life that fulfills me and found my own joy by becoming the centre of my own universe.

Sometimes, I just sit back and revel in all the love I have for myself, for my life and for my lovely lady, because all that love is absolutely worth savoring.