Obviously ‘Out’

I recently received a message that included reference to me being ‘obviously out’ (in a totally positive way) and it made me realize how not only my sexuality, but also my perspective, has changed over the past year. Once, I worried that someone would notice my longing gazes were directed at women, but today I find myself grinning when a stranger can identify that I’m gay (especially when my girlfriend isn’t by my side). In no way do I need the validation of strangers or society, but to me, their acknowledgement tells me that my that my exterior is finally a true reflection of who I am on the inside.

I’ve only been ‘out’ for a short time and I still remember feeling cautious, unsure what it would mean to truly feel the feelings that I had. I worried about being judged and becoming a topic of small town gossip. And I even worried that the societal perception that I had a shitty ex-husband and was ‘off men for a while’ might be true (to be clear, its definitely not). I spent a lot time in my head trying to understand what the implications would be if I was gay, if I was out and if people knew that it was women, and not men, that I was attracted to. I think at some level I was simply afraid that my life would be harder if I was gay.

And the truth is, in some ways my life probably is harder, but without question, it’s also happier. I’ll take hard and happy over easy and miserable every single day of the week, and I guess in a sense, we do. My girlfriend and I live in a small mining town, and although I wouldn’t consider everyone in our town inclusive and accepting, there certainly is a subset of the population that are. Since my girlfriend moved in 7 months ago she’s continually amazed how many people know who she is and what our situation is. People know her name, my name, my kids name and the days they are at their dad’s and they have no problem bringing it up and that’s just our reality.

The truth is, it matters a lot less what others think than I ever expected. Perhaps for the first time in my life, my heart is guiding my path and my journey and that gives me the strength to dismiss those that are not worthy of my time or energy.

Today, the happy I’ve earned by being me, far outweighs the fear I had when I felt scared and alone. Never in my wildest dreams could I have anticipated how freeing it would feel to unravel my grip on the life society told me to strive for and instead allow my fingertips to waver in the wind of my soul.

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I am home.

For the past three nights, I’ve been away for work.

For three nights, I’ve missed the sound of her breathing and the weight of her head on my chest as I’ve drifted to sleep.

For three mornings, I’ve rolled over only to discover that she isn’t there to snuggle as my body awakens for a new day.

For three days, I’ve missed her in ways I never knew possible.

When I hear the door open, I spin, soapy hands outreached and a grin on my face as she rushes towards me. I jump as she lifts and in an instant, all is well with the world.

We are wrapped up in each other, smiling like giddy school girls as we kiss, again and again, trying to make up for three days in a single moment.

I am so happy to be home.

THIS is love.

I can feel my face as it transitions, tiny muscles contracting, moving and changing as my head nods ever so slightly and my eyes gaze downward (not with embarrassment but for privacy) as my emotions spill across my face.

I am overcome with a childish light; I giggle as the words tumble from my lips.

I love you.

I am amazed by the purity and authenticity of my feelings. My desire to share, all of me, with all of her. Her love envelopes me; urging me to be strong, to be brave and to be free, while assuring me that my heart is safe in her hands. My body craves the intimacy that we share, a current that connects us with a rawness like I’ve never known.

A year later, and she still makes me giddy; my happiness, my joy and my truth are written all over my face, every damn day.

And I know, THIS is love.

11:11

For the past year, I have wished for ‘love, light and happiness’ every single time that I have encountered an 11:11, and there have been many. Almost daily those numbers flash before me and I feel a connection with the universe; a doorway of opportunity to share my energy and release my dreams.

According to Kate Rose, the number 11 is “the universe giving us a sign to focus, to look at what is trying to call to us. It’s also letting us know that we’re on the right track” and 11:11 is related to “merging with our twin flames.”

Interestingly, my girlfriend and I had our first (not) date last year, on November first (11/1) and this year we celebrated our one year anniversary, our very own 11:11, when she came home.

I no longer have to ask where she will lay her head at the end of the day, because I know the answer. Before we sleep, her head will snuggle onto my chest and I will stroke her hair as our breathing blends to one. We will fall asleep together, in our bed. Because its no longer hers and mine, its ours. Our home and our life.

Seeing her every, single day gives me a ridiculous giddy smile and an indescribable feeling of joy and satisfaction. We have a lifetime of adventure ahead of us and although I never envisioned myself here, I feel nothing but certainty that this place, with this girl, my heart bursting with love, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

the little things

Before I met her, I don’t think I truly understood what people meant what they said ‘it’s the little things’, but now, I get it.

My girl shows me her love in all the ways, big and small.

The patience she shows me, every damn day, while we figure out this journey called life.

The way she respects and honours my boys and the way we’re redefining boundaries together.

The way she’s always been able to read and understand me, even when I’m uncertain what I want or need.

The way she shows up at my door with ice cream at the end of a long day, even when I’ve told her I’m fine.

I could go on, but my intention isn’t to ramble; this is the fifth night I’ve been away from her and I miss her terribly.

The way she nuzzles into my chest and everything just fits.

The way the scent of her floods my senses and immediately brings a smile to my face.

The way our bodies intertwine so naturally, as if they’re meant to be one.

I feel like the luckiest girl to have found a love that honours me not only with her words, but with her actions.

Words are cheap, but making the effort every single day, is the stuff dreams are made of. Life isn’t all fairytales and romance, sometimes it’s quite simply, all about the little things.

Dreams

I woke the other night and was overcome with the strangest feeling; I was scared and I was sad. I rarely remember my dreams and the details always allude me, but this time I awoke overwhelmed with feelings. In my dream, my girlfriend had kindly and sweetly walked out of my life leaving me wanting and alone.

I’m not afraid to be alone, to be strong, independent and fierce but after years of unknowingly searching for her, I woke curled into myself and overcome with sadness at the thought of losing her. Fortunately she was there with her warm embrace to envelope me with love and assurance, which was all I needed to drift back to sleep, but in the morning I hadn’t quite managed to shake those unwelcome feelings.

And I realized, for the first time in my life, I have a love that I’m scared to lose.

I know, that life is full of uncertainty, change and turmoil. I know that in a moment everything can change and that there will be moments, days and times where we don’t or can’t align and that’s just the nature of love, life and relationships. But I don’t want a partner who is willing to sacrifice who they are to keep the peace, because I’m not that girl anymore either.

I have a partner who challenges me to dream bigger and encourages my uniqueness, who respects me and wants me to grow more than she wants me to stay the same. I have a love that is rooted in acceptance and never asks me to apologize for being who I am.

And that is the type of love I think we all dream of, that is the type of love that you cannot create and you cannot will into existence. The type of love I have is so much more than good enough; together we have opened the door to a future full of adventure, laughter, love, light and happiness and although I never knew such an extraordinary experience was possible, now that I have it, nothing else will do.