THIS is love.

I can feel my face as it transitions, tiny muscles contracting, moving and changing as my head nods ever so slightly and my eyes gaze downward (not with embarrassment but for privacy) as my emotions spill across my face.

I am overcome with a childish light; I giggle as the words tumble from my lips.

I love you.

I am amazed by the purity and authenticity of my feelings. My desire to share, all of me, with all of her. Her love envelopes me; urging me to be strong, to be brave and to be free, while assuring me that my heart is safe in her hands. My body craves the intimacy that we share, a current that connects us with a rawness like I’ve never known.

A year later, and she still makes me giddy; my happiness, my joy and my truth are written all over my face, every damn day.

And I know, THIS is love.

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11:11

For the past year, I have wished for ‘love, light and happiness’ every single time that I have encountered an 11:11, and there have been many. Almost daily those numbers flash before me and I feel a connection with the universe; a doorway of opportunity to share my energy and release my dreams.

According to Kate Rose, the number 11 is “the universe giving us a sign to focus, to look at what is trying to call to us. It’s also letting us know that we’re on the right track” and 11:11 is related to “merging with our twin flames.”

Interestingly, my girlfriend and I had our first (not) date last year, on November first (11/1) and this year we celebrated our one year anniversary, our very own 11:11, when she came home.

I no longer have to ask where she will lay her head at the end of the day, because I know the answer. Before we sleep, her head will snuggle onto my chest and I will stroke her hair as our breathing blends to one. We will fall asleep together, in our bed. Because its no longer hers and mine, its ours. Our home and our life.

Seeing her every, single day gives me a ridiculous giddy smile and an indescribable feeling of joy and satisfaction. We have a lifetime of adventure ahead of us and although I never envisioned myself here, I feel nothing but certainty that this place, with this girl, my heart bursting with love, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

the little things

Before I met her, I don’t think I truly understood what people meant what they said ‘it’s the little things’, but now, I get it.

My girl shows me her love in all the ways, big and small.

The patience she shows me, every damn day, while we figure out this journey called life.

The way she respects and honours my boys and the way we’re redefining boundaries together.

The way she’s always been able to read and understand me, even when I’m uncertain what I want or need.

The way she shows up at my door with ice cream at the end of a long day, even when I’ve told her I’m fine.

I could go on, but my intention isn’t to ramble; this is the fifth night I’ve been away from her and I miss her terribly.

The way she nuzzles into my chest and everything just fits.

The way the scent of her floods my senses and immediately brings a smile to my face.

The way our bodies intertwine so naturally, as if they’re meant to be one.

I feel like the luckiest girl to have found a love that honours me not only with her words, but with her actions.

Words are cheap, but making the effort every single day, is the stuff dreams are made of. Life isn’t all fairytales and romance, sometimes it’s quite simply, all about the little things.

Dreams

I woke the other night and was overcome with the strangest feeling; I was scared and I was sad. I rarely remember my dreams and the details always allude me, but this time I awoke overwhelmed with feelings. In my dream, my girlfriend had kindly and sweetly walked out of my life leaving me wanting and alone.

I’m not afraid to be alone, to be strong, independent and fierce but after years of unknowingly searching for her, I woke curled into myself and overcome with sadness at the thought of losing her. Fortunately she was there with her warm embrace to envelope me with love and assurance, which was all I needed to drift back to sleep, but in the morning I hadn’t quite managed to shake those unwelcome feelings.

And I realized, for the first time in my life, I have a love that I’m scared to lose.

I know, that life is full of uncertainty, change and turmoil. I know that in a moment everything can change and that there will be moments, days and times where we don’t or can’t align and that’s just the nature of love, life and relationships. But I don’t want a partner who is willing to sacrifice who they are to keep the peace, because I’m not that girl anymore either.

I have a partner who challenges me to dream bigger and encourages my uniqueness, who respects me and wants me to grow more than she wants me to stay the same. I have a love that is rooted in acceptance and never asks me to apologize for being who I am.

And that is the type of love I think we all dream of, that is the type of love that you cannot create and you cannot will into existence. The type of love I have is so much more than good enough; together we have opened the door to a future full of adventure, laughter, love, light and happiness and although I never knew such an extraordinary experience was possible, now that I have it, nothing else will do.

The Magic Ingredient

Sometimes, I still can’t believe this is my life.

I am currently sitting on my girlfriends couch, clad in panties and her tee, her golden lab and my boston terrier snuggled up against me with a cup of coffee, my computer and my thoughts, while my girl is cozy in bed.  This is the only weekend we will have, all summer, where I can remove my Mom hat, where I can be me, she can be her and we can just be US.

We contemplated going away, going camping or perhaps on a weekend getaway, but instead we chose to be wrapped up in each other at home. We have visited the farmers market, cooked amazing food and enjoyed the tranquility of home.

Never have I made food with someone, the way we make food together. It starts with ingredients, thoughts, ideas and then one of us is chopping, prepping and marinading and when we sit across from each other at the table, we have the most delicious meal that neither of us could have created on our own. Together, we make everything better.

My youngest son, at the age of 6, recently told me that a meal we had made was so delicious and then he proceeded to ask me, if I knew why it was so good.

Because its made with LOVE Mom, love is the magic ingredient.

I can’t argue with that son.
Love is Love and its the most beautiful thing.

All the Time in the World

I was almost 19 when I met my ex; it was supposed to be a summer fling that turned into a 14 year relationship where I lost myself for a long time. I followed the societal ‘recipe’ for happiness: got a degree, got a job, got married, had kids and bought a house. It was  easy to just do the next thing on this list without ever considering if it was truly what I wanted. I want to believe that if I had taken the time for that reflection, perhaps I would have reconsidered at least some of those steps.

But the past is part of the journey and its brought me to a most amazing present, so I rarely dwell, but part of that ever important journey, is the lesson. I learned through my first post-separation relationship that even though the path may appear different, simply going along with what’s easy is just a variation of the same mistake that I’ve made before.

So this time, I have my eyes wide open. We talk about life and our relationship, we are honest about what we feel and where we want to go in this life, together and on our own. And the truth is, I want it all with her, but not too fast and not today. But someday. And she wants that too.

I remember one day, early in our relationship, we were discussing all the possible adventures that we could pursue and she told me ‘we have all the time in the world’ and my heart melted, just a little, because I knew I wanted all of the adventures without any of the rushing, the pressure or the need to meet some external standard.

It’s been over 9 months and we live by those words; we do what feels right to us in the moment and nothing more. And it’s the most beautiful feeling.

We spend a lot of time together, we can barely make it two days without each other and we almost always have a sleepover because there is no greater feeling than falling asleep in each others arms. We live in different cities and without question, we both know that one day we will live together, that she will come to the house that I’ve bought and together we will make it home. But when?

Every single time that we spend multiple days together, every damn day is amazing, even if its a day filled with chores and errands. Things truly are better when we are together, so after much discussion we have decided to change our someday, to a someday soon.

We’ve decided that on November 1st, the anniversary of our ‘not-date, first date’ we will take that step, she will move in and we will begin the next step of our life together. In truth, I can hardly wait for that day to come, but I’m happy that we are giving ourselves time to process, to prepare and to grow a little more on our own. More than that however, I’m confident that this time living together is what I WANT and so just like everything with her, it will be different than anything before