There are days when I worry.

Someday, I WORRY that I work too much. That my work affects my time with my boys. I get distracted and I get flustered; sometimes for a moment and sometimes for much longer.

There are days, when I WORRY that I’ll lose my job and in an instant my boys world would be turned upside down, again. Work has been challenging lately, and I’ve joked, more than once, about working at the local gas station instead. But the truth is, I provide for my family; I pay child support and spousal support, I own my own home and in a way I pay for my exes home too. Since I left my him (as far as I know) he has only worked part-time, three days a week for three months of the year.

Sometimes, I WORRY about the quality of the time, that I spend with my boys. I am a working mom, and sometimes, I simply want to be lazy, but I’m terrible at it. There’s always something to do, always a chore that needs to be done or a meal that needs to be cooked. Sometimes, when I just don’t want to do anything, I end up feeling guilty; an old habit that isn’t rooted in reality.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I still WORRY that I am too much. I have a heart that loves big and and the resulting feelings I experience, are also big and I know, it can be overwhelming. Not to mention that choosing me, also means choosing my boys and that is a big decision.

But even when I have my moments of worry, there are things that I know to be true. Things that are more beautiful than the tiny thoughts, remnants of old habits, old patterns and the old me that float in my mind.

I KNOW, that I am doing the best that I can. That some days are going to be hard and some days I’m going to knock it out of the fucking park. But I probably shouldn’t swear, because then my kids will ban me from prime rib (my favourite food) for a week. Silly boys don’t understand we can’t afford to eat it anyways.

And all of that, makes me smile. I love the banter that I have with my children, the jokes, the love and the unity that is US. They have seen me blossom and I believe that they see a mom who is happy, who is true and who loves them with all her heart. And if I KNOW that, what is left to worry about?

And my boys, who I refused to let grow up in a home without love, now get to see love and a healthy, communicative relationship. I have a girl, that I plan to share a lifetime with. I KNOW that we share the most beautiful connection, something far more ethereal than my previous understanding of love. I have a girl that makes me feel nothing but love and support when I unapologetically stand before her in all my nerdy, quirky, awkward glory. I love that girl.

I KNOW, that money and material things don’t buy happiness. I KNOW that I will always provide for my family and I will always find a way.  I also know there is no need for concern, both of my bosses and their bosses have taken the time to assure me my performance is good.

But life is about more than performance, its about a joy that comes from within. When I finally let my joy Shine Bright, my world changed and I KNOW I’ll never forget that, especially when I’m having a moment of WORRY.

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The Magic Ingredient

Sometimes, I still can’t believe this is my life.

I am currently sitting on my girlfriends couch, clad in panties and her tee, her golden lab and my boston terrier snuggled up against me with a cup of coffee, my computer and my thoughts, while my girl is cozy in bed.  This is the only weekend we will have, all summer, where I can remove my Mom hat, where I can be me, she can be her and we can just be US.

We contemplated going away, going camping or perhaps on a weekend getaway, but instead we chose to be wrapped up in each other at home. We have visited the farmers market, cooked amazing food and enjoyed the tranquility of home.

Never have I made food with someone, the way we make food together. It starts with ingredients, thoughts, ideas and then one of us is chopping, prepping and marinading and when we sit across from each other at the table, we have the most delicious meal that neither of us could have created on our own. Together, we make everything better.

My youngest son, at the age of 6, recently told me that a meal we had made was so delicious and then he proceeded to ask me, if I knew why it was so good.

Because its made with LOVE Mom, love is the magic ingredient.

I can’t argue with that son.
Love is Love and its the most beautiful thing.

Mean Girls

As a young adult I remember asking my mom why I was never teased; I was always nerdy, awkward, clumsy and looking back, probably pretty sexually confused. I have definitely lost friends over the years, but have only one recollection of being teased. My mom told me that kids probably tried to tease me but I was likely busy in my own world, oblivious to those around me and therefore not worth the effort since I never solicited the right response.

I’ve always carried around this naive belief that when you are truly good to people and treat them with respect and good intentions they will at the least, attempt to return that kindness. I am an extrovert and I recharge by talking about and sharing my feelings and my experiences with those that I consider my friends and family. I will bare my soul and I will share pieces of me, if we share any sort of connection.

Foolishly, I’ve always believed that though I share them, the pages of my book are sacred and those that have seen them respect all that they contain. But I know now, that in a moment everything can change; I find myself standing here with the pages of my book fluttering in the wind for everyone to see.

It’s not the first time that I’ve lost friends but I do think its the most painful.

Maybe its because I’m an adult and I expect that the people in my life can and will act like adults, that there can be a conversation, some space and some shared understanding of how a situation can improve.

Maybe its because in a town of ~2000 people, starting over isn’t exactly easy especially when you’re a working mom who has very little free time. Making new friends when you’re rarely around is difficult at best.

Maybe its because my heart breaks every time my children ask me why they can’t go see the kids they thought they were there friends, or why I’m not friends with the mom’s anymore and I have literally no answer to give. I don’t know why.

I think its the latter that is the hardest for me; I don’t want people in my life that can’t support me in all my authentic glory, but my kids are suffering too and that hurts my soul. They miss kids they thought were their friends, shared barbecues, camping, kayak trips, laughter and smiles. This summer is nothing like their last and I can’t change that for them.

But I’m also disappointed, never in my life have I ever felt like I was truly part of a group of girls, I just never seemed to fit, until I moved here. It was an adjustment for me, to learn what it meant to be part of the crowd and then just like that, I was out.

It turns out mean girls aren’t just for Disney movies and they don’t just disappear after high school. Mean Girls become Mean Mom’s and quick as you can blink, they may turn on you when you no longer fit their mold.

Today

Today, my boys let us sleep in for an hour and a half, because they were making surprises for us. We woke up to happy camaraderie and beautiful gifts. A hand drawn stick man family that made my heart swell with love and gratitude, a small handmade comic and a batman cutout.  Today, my boys showed us their love.

This weekend, I feel like we leveled up. In a moment when I couldn’t, I watched her interact with my boy, just as I would have; with love and honesty and a bit of toughness. We shared shy smiles of happiness as we dreamed of our shared future. I watched her solve a conundrum, and in her actions I could feel her feet so firmly planted inside the circus ring. Today, quite simply, felt like family.

Today, felt special, extraordinary and ordinary in the exact right way. Together, we relaxed and then together we prepared for our day in a way that flowed so naturally, so easily and so efficiently. Today, it was the little things reminding me that balance exists in our connection; our energy is shared yet remains unique.

This weekend, I had moments, when I needed her. She held me in her arms and stroked my hair as I felt the feelings and let things (that no longer served me) go. She found me  a moment of solace amidst a windstorm of chaos and today, I felt all the love for my boys, for my girl and for the adventure that we are embarking on.

Today, my future feels so fucking bright.

I will be me

When my girlfriend and I started dating it was very organic and natural; there was an undeniable attraction and chemistry that could only be kept at bay for so long. But that didn’t stop me from worrying that I (no WE) would be to much for her; because its not just me, it will never, ever just be me.

I come with two tiny humans that walk the earth, exploring their surroundings in pursuit of becoming amazing little men. These boys are literally made from my heart and soul, grown in my belly and birthed from my being. They are my everything.

I have learned, I am more than my ‘mom hat’ but I wear that crown proudly because I am the lucky one to have the opportunity to love and protect those two boys. I am a mother and just as I will not let that define me, nor will I lose that piece of me.

And for a time, I worried that my (younger) girlfriend, with no responsibilities of similar magnitude would be overwhelmed and walk away. But she has embraced, step by step, the circus that accompanies me and together (along with my boys) we are figuring out what our new reality looks like.

It turns out however, that it wasn’t my girlfriend I needed to worry about. I am a strong woman, I am independent and quite frankly, I get shit done. But in the midst of a yet another enormous life shift, the woman I considered my best friend has all but disappeared.

After a month of awkwardness, this evening I found myself sitting on a log, staring at a frozen pond, tears running down my cheeks as I tried to understand. I wanted it to be something that I could fix, but I didn’t own any of the possible scenarios before me; they weren’t fixable by me.

At the end of the day, I’m still crying,; I’m no longer confused, I’m hurt, I’m sad and I’m disappointed because all this time I thought that we were in IT together. But I see now she’s not sure she wants that anymore because its hard and its real. She wants to drink wine, bullshit and redefine our friendship so that it can fit in the stereotypical box of what friends are ‘supposed’ to look like.

And the thing is, although I want to be able to do that, I don’t know that I can.

I don’t fit in boxes and I am not like the other girls.

I have spent the last year and a half learning to accept and embrace myself, learning to live my truth and honour the song of my heart. And if all of that is too much, if I am too much, I apologize, but I will not cram myself back into that metaphorical box for anyone.

Tears and broken heart or not, I will stand proud and I will be me.
But I do hope she finds her way back.

Presence

I’ve come to realize that one of the the greatest gifts we have to share is our presence, our undivided attention and the vulnerability of exposing and sharing our true selves. This seemingly simple offering can not be quantified by money or material expectations because its reach far surpasses anything  physically tangible; the connecting of souls is visceral.

However, I’ve also discovered that although I’ve been sharing myself with others my entire life, I’d neglected to take the time to truly connect with me. I gave so much away, never pausing to realize that the person I needed to love and nourish was me. In 2016 I put a lot of energy into reflecting who I wanted to be; I don’t have all of the answers but being consciously present has helped me discover so many amazing things about living a life that brings me joy and happiness.

I am a unique, quirky and nerdy woman who stands proud and refuses to apologize for loving words, the pursuit of knowledge, creating lists and breathing in nature wholeheartedly. I am a woman who feels deeply, who empathizes, cares and tends to others, but no longer at the expense of myself. I pay attention and trust in my feelings, my experience and my journey. I love deeply, but I’ve learned how important it is to love myself first.

I am a mother and my children are a piece of me always. I trust in the messages and lessons my heart wants to share with my boys and I strive to parent from a place of love, honesty and trust. I have two hopes for my boys, the first is for them to always feel safe to talk to me about their dreams, their fears and everything in between and second, I want only  for them to grow up and be their most authentic and happy selves.

I believe in honesty, loyalty, empathy and authenticity. I believe that true strength emerges when we are brave and step forward in the face of fear. For years I was afraid to admit I was unhappy; to admit that my feelings mattered, that I mattered. I was afraid to walk away from a marriage and a life that brought me no joy.

I am no longer that woman, after stagnating for years, I am evolving each and every day; discovering, appreciating and respecting the opportunity to meet the woman I was once so scared to become.

Gay Mom’s Club

I am so fortunate to have a woman in my life that regularly feeds my curiosity and  challenges my thought processes. A few months ago, during one of our chats we were talking about my kids and she pointed out that my situation is not all that unique; there are a lot of gay moms in the region.

However, my particular town has a population of less than 2,500 and to my knowledge the local gay mom’s club has a membership of one. Over the past year, as I reflected on my life and sexuality, I put a significant amount of energy into considering how my life choices might affect my sons. At the end of the day, I know that my kids may be subjected to bullying and teasing, because of me (which is a hard pill to swallow) but I also know that there are an infinite number of reason they may get teased in their lifetime, I am only one.

But the potential for positive repercussions is also infinite; my boys will grow up in a home where love is love is love and they will be free to be and to love whomever they choose without fear. My boys will understand that the struggle to be true and authentic to their hearts song is worth every tear that they may shed along the way. And I hope that my boys will know that although their Mom made a decision that shook their lives and changed everything, it gave them a happy mom, which is the best type of mom to have around.

To be honest, its been ages since I’ve given any thought to the potential impacts of my coming out on  my children; long before I was actually ready to accept that I was gay I came to terms with the fact that my world cannot revolve entirely around my boys. But yesterday a friend was commending me for being brave, strong and true to my heart, and she couldn’t help but comment on how difficult my coming out must be, because I’m a mom.

Although I know it wasn’t her intention, I couldn’t help feeling a little put off by the connotation that being a mom somehow made my decision to come out especially difficult. It was one of many things that I pondered, and although my children are my everything I have a hard time trying to justify my struggle being any more important than someone else’s. Coming out is a huge, life altering decision and for me its been a long time coming; not even being a mom could have changed my ultimate destination.

At the end of the day, I believe in my heart, that my boys will be proud to have a mother that was not afraid to walk away from everything that society told her to want in order to live a life full of love and light and happiness. If that makes me the president and membership of my local gay mom’s club, I’ll take it because this is me, and I’m proud to be my kids’ gay mom.