Terrible Girlfriend

I am a terrible girlfriend; not really, but I have my moments.

Yesterday after very long days for both of us, my girlfriend and I arrived at my house within minutes of each other. I had been out of town, driven 4.5 hours and was literally bursting with excitement to see her. We embraced, we kissed, we reveled in each others presence and began to let the weight of our days dissipate.

We fell into an easy rhythm as we chatted and eventually wiggled our way (not so gracefully) into the hammock where we could snuggle and reconnect. As we rubbed our faces against each other like cats, we began to find our balance and that familiar feeling of home.

As we swayed, she pointed at her lips and with a small smile told me that she’d lost her lip ring; I blushed, embarrassed that I’d been so wrapped up in my feelings and our shared energy that I  hadn’t seen something right in front of me.

Had I not looked at her in the half an hour we’d been together?

It seemed so obvious now that she had pointed it out. And her kisses did feel different, not better, not worse, just different. What kind of partner doesn’t notice a missing facial piercing? I apologized for being a terrible girlfriend, for not noticing something right before my eyes and as always, her response was perfect.

It’s OK baby, I know you see the inside me more than the outside me.

Then she smiled and she kissed me and I just knew that she understood. She is so much more to me than the body that houses her soul.

Friendship and Affirmation

My mom always told me that people come into your life when you need them, and sometimes they leave when the experiences you were meant to share have passed. She also told me that the friends worth keeping are the ones that can be absent for years, but when you connect, everything feels the same. She is a wise woman in this respect and I take her advice very seriously.

Lately I’ve been working on letting people go; people who feel I’m too much or perhaps aren’t supportive of the place where my journey is taking me. There have been tears, emotions and an utter lack of clarity, but through it all I have embraced my authentic self and stood proud. I’ve extended olive branches and I’ve tried to bring back friendships that were once strong, but everything is different now.

I AM different now, because I appreciate and honor all that I am.

I am a hard working woman who provides for her family and strives to raise boys that respect not only themselves, but those around them.

I am a responsible, independent woman who owns a house, tows her trailer and knows her way around a budget.

I am gay and completely, ridiculously, head over heels in love with the most amazing woman and I don’t care who knows it.

Anyone who doesn’t respect and honour all of that doesn’t deserve my energy or my time; I am a strong woman and I will never again change for someone else.

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a few old friends, people I haven’t seen (or stayed well connected with) in over 10 years and when I saw them, I could feel my heart flutter with happiness and joy.

THESE are MY PEOPLE.

And they love me (and I them), despite a distance of years, just the same as they did the last time I saw them. And the most beautifully affirming thing happened while in their presence, they told me (unprompted and not in the presence of each other) that my authenticity and sense of self was just as they remembered it.

They both said I had barely changed.

I know that’s not true but it re-affirms that I’m on the right path. I’m not creating a new version of myself, I’m rediscovering and redefining the girl that I used to be and the woman I was always meant to be.

I was lost for a long time, but now I’m found.

Breathless

I remember the first time I kissed a boy; I was 13, it was a warm summer night and I absolutely hated it. He pressed his lips pressed so hard against mine, his tongue invading my mouth and what I remember most clearly, is an overwhelming inability to breathe.

And in the twenty years that followed, I continued to hate kissing boys and generally avoided it. I convinced myself that my allergies and stuffy nose were the culprit of my distaste and my ex never questioned it. He also accepted that I wasn’t very affectionate and I hated snuggles, cuddles and touching in general.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; I was 19, she was a friend and her kisses felt so right. Soft lips, sensual caresses and an instinctual familiarity and comfort that left me breathless. And somehow over the years that would follow, I would neglect to realize the difference between feeling unable to breathe and feeling breathless and more importantly, just who made me feel each.

This is just one of the signs of my sexuality that I ignored; I wasted years making excuses and choosing not to listen to my intuition and my instincts. I know now that I had it wrong all along, I wasn’t unaffectionate and I didn’t hate kissing, I hated kissing boys.

But where my girlfriend is concerned, I love all the kisses and always seem to need just one more. My girlfriend fills me with love and light and happiness, her kisses are like candy for my soul, filling me with a sweetness that I can never quite seem to get enough of, her touch awakens my nerve endings, sending tiny ripples of energy undulating across my skin.

In her arms, I feel like I’m finally home.

Unsurprisingly Gay

Not for the first time, someone asked me recently if I was surprised, in the context of a conversation about my girlfriend.

Am I surprised that I have a girlfriend? No.
Am I surprised that I’m gay? No.

So obviously, regardless of what exactly she was trying to ask me, the answer was no; I tried to casually explain that it was more of a personal acceptance thing and she couldn’t seem to help but prod a little deeper, asking me if I had a feeling, when I left my ex-husband “that was the way it would go”?

And although I answered her and I laughed (a lot) about the whole conversation later, I can’t help but wonder why anyone would feel that asking me about the state of my sexuality, when I walking away from a 14 year relationship, would be appropriate.

This woman is not my friend, she is an acquaintance at best; she too is divorced and has a much younger fiance but I can’t imagine asking her if she had a feeling she might date a younger man when she was leaving her husband.

In another, unrelated, conversation with someone else it was suggested that perhaps I was bisexual, immediately after I explained I had no desire to date men. I assured her, that although I had believed I was bisexual for many years, it is simply not the case.

Again, I can’t help but wonder why she felt that was an appropriate comment and what she thought she was adding to the conversation. Did she imagine I’d never heard of bisexuals or that in accepting that I was gay I hadn’t put significant thought  into what that meant?

I am honest to a fault and I am an open book to just about anyone who is brave enough to ask me the questions to which they desire answers. And so I will continue to have these conversations as they present themselves and I hope that speaking my truth will help, at least a few people, understand. Although I was married to a man for a long time, it was not a surprise to me, that I am gay. I did not wake up one morning and simply discover a rainbow filled world.

For years I told myself that I didn’t discriminate and that I was attracted to people regardless of gender. I told myself that even though the intimacy and connection that I could find with a woman alluded me in all of my heterosexual relationships, I couldn’t be a lesbian because I didn’t hate traditional sex.

I had to work through those misconceptions and I had to understand and accept my own desires. My sexuality belongs to me and accepting that I’m gay didn’t surprise me at all; what has surprised me however, was how much accepting my gay has empowered me.

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

Dream Bigger

Like everything else in life, dreams are not constant, they are subject to our moods, our circumstances and if we’re lucky they are constantly evolving as our goalposts change not because we can’t meet them, but because we have.

I used to dream of a life that gave me joy and refreshed me; a life that didn’t feel like groundhog day but instead empowered me to be me, where I laughed and loved more than I simply survived and most importantly, I dreamt of a life that allowed me to wake up, each and every morning, eager to greet the day.

18 months ago, that life and that dream felt out of reach and completely unattainable; but I walked away from the life I had built, stepped into the unknown and today and I’m living my dream.

If you too are stuck on the merry go round of an unsatisfied life, I assure you that although the road may be difficult, it is nothing compared to living a life that drains your soul and robs you of your happiness.

Good enough should never be enough; strive for more, strive for love, light and happiness (or whatever makes YOUR heart sing). Believe you are worth it, because when you believe, doors have a way of opening and all you have to do is be brave enough to walk over that threshold.

And when you do, you may find yourself in a whole new world, one where yesterdays dreams are your reality and there’s only one this left to do, dream bigger.

Change is the Only Constant

When I started my journey I had a hard time responding to my counselor’s simple inquiry, ‘what are you doing for you?’ I had spent the better part of the last decade being everything for everyone and wearing every hat on the rack except for the one that defined me. I was so raw, uncertain who I was if I wasn’t a mother and a wife first; I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hear my heart sing, but I desperately wanted to find my voice.

What started as small cautious steps a year ago, turned into a full blown run and I almost can’t remember what’s on the other side of the mountains that I’ve climbed and descended. However, I must never forget where I’ve come from and everything that I’ve learned on this journey; because I’m never going back there.

My path may waver but I refuse to double back and so I remain conscious. I listen, actively, to me, to what I want, and I let my priorities be only my own. And honestly, those priorities change each and every day as I navigate the world, my relationships and my reality trying to find a balance that satisfies my soul.

We all deserve that, the freedom to change; to change our mind, to change our priorities, to change our practices and most of all the freedom to change our lives. Change is the only constant in life and yet there’s the push to meet expectations, to want what society wants and to conform. I had this belief once that getting married to a man and having babies was THE DREAM and I was subconsciously terrified to admit that I wanted, no needed, my life to drastically change directions if I was to find happiness.

Changing my life has been both the most difficult and the most rewarding experience; true transformation wasn’t possible for me until I asked myself who I wanted to be and actually began to question everything that I had previously known to be true.

After months of tears, confusion and overwhelming emotions what emerged was the most beautiful, true version of me. I am a strong, confident, gay mom that is living her truth, creating her own happiness and doing whatever the fuck feels right in the moment and THAT is what I’m doing for me.

I want to remember…

I’m constantly surprised by the intensity of my emotions, the depth of my feeling and the comfort I find in my new reality. Every day, I feel increasingly confident and proud of the choices I make, the life I lead and the people I choose to have in my life.

I am so proud, to be me.

I desperately want to find a way to capture these feelings; the glow, the warmth and the energy that surrounds me so that one day, when I inevitably need it, I can remember.

I want to remember the confidence I feel to speak my mind, to let the truth tumble from my lips without pause, and the pride I feel when I do just that. I want to remember smiles that spread so much further than the corners of my mouth and I want to remember what it feels like to giggle, to laugh and to simply surrender to the joy of the moment.

I want to remember the brightness I feel every single time I talk  to someone new about being gay; how incredible it feels be so matter of fact about a piece of me I refused to acknowledge for so long. And how strong and sure I feel when I choose not to validate people’s stares by changing my behavior.

I want to remember the lightness in my chest when she smiles at me, the sigh that escapes my parted lips when she holds me and the way we create our own safe space every time that we’re together.

These days, I feel a strength, a confidence and a joy like I’ve never known and its the most beautiful feeling in the world. I know, that life is full of challenges and although hard times are inevitable, they also help us appreciate the good times all the more.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year and I am so thankful for all the amazing in my current reality. I can only hope, that when the next roadblock emerges, I will remember everything that I feel now and bravely blaze a new trail.