Live in the Now

In six days, I will officially be divorced.

I know that its just a piece of paper, and the only thing it gives me (that my separation agreement didn’t) was the ability re-marry, which is currently not on my agenda; yet it feels monumental. Never again will I have to tick a box that says I’m separated from a man I don’t want in my life. I will be divorced.

Coincidentally, this weekend I felt my mindset shift and my thought patterns change. I no longer want to look at my life in comparison to the reality that didn’t serve me; that life and those memories, though important, do not define the life I live now. They do not deserve to be the yardstick by which I measure the success of my life, the bounty of my my happiness or the depth of my love.

I feel things now, that I never dreamed were possible and they are beautiful and perfect in their own right, and I shall respect them as such. I had a moment of clarity this weekend, my hands literally digging in the earth, I felt myself reset.  I realized that in order to clear the space I need to feel the feelings of my life and continue to grow, to thrive and be free, it is time to stop comparing my reality to my past.

It is time to simply live in the now.

Being Strong

There is a vulnerability that comes with being strong; it stems from an expectation (likely of ourselves) that we don’t need anyone’s help. That we can walk away from everyone and anyone at any time without consequence. Yes, we can make a choice to change our lives, but its never easy. Change is wrought with emotions and often we carry that burden alone.

In my life, I suspect there will never be a harder decision to make than the day I told my ex-husband that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I couldn’t be his wife, that I simply couldn’t be this person that I was ‘supposed’ to be anymore. And with love and support from the people in my life, I stood tall and I stood strong as I walked away from everything I had known and took a chance on me.

After that, life should be easy.

But its never that simple. Being confident, being strong and being me feels so good, but there will always be casualties of change. People, places and things in my life may shift but I’m learning to let those things go, because being strong doesn’t mean that I need to have everything figured out.

Being strong means staying true to my heart, to my values and to my soul.
Being strong means knowing my own priorities and not being led astray.
Being strong means being brave enough to dream and a willingness to sacrifice to get there.
Being strong means knowing when I can’t do it alone and asking for help.
But most of all, being strong means knowing when to let go.

She is MY Person

Sometimes I watch people, couples, and I want so badly to tell them that they deserve more, that I too have fallen for the lure of a mediocre relationship, but its not worth it. The universe has so much more in store for all of us, if only we are brave enough to believe.

I am not however, presumptuous enough to say any such thing. I know, that we are all living our own story and following our own path; my observations are just the things that I see from the outside and I will never experience their journey.

I know, that my girlfriend and I are in the early stages of our time together, we only truly found each other six months ago; we met 5 months prior, but regardless our time so far is just a blip in the timeline of our lives.

But this time, for the first time, I feel a calm certainty that she is my person. We are unique, strong and fierce women that are more than capable of everything life has and will throw our way, but that doesn’t change what a beautiful thing it has been to find her.

But how do I know that SHE is my person?

I know she is my person because I already can’t imagine a life without her, because she makes even the most mundane (or overwhelming) tasks better simply by being close, by being present, by being near.

Because when I’m having big feelings, instead wanting to be alone (as I always have) the only thing in the world that I want is to rest my head in her softness and melt into the safety of her arms while she gently strokes my hair. Because more than anything, I want to be there to hold her, to cover her in kisses and help her feel the feelings too.

Because from the first time we met, our souls and beings reached for one another. We met as strangers and in only a few moments she was ingrained in my mind, that moment forever imprinted in my heart.

She is my person, quite simply, because she’s meant to be. We are meant to love and support each other in this journey called life; what that looks like I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t care because with her  by my side I feel stronger, braver, free-er, and more authentic than I’ve ever felt before.

I am so lucky, that not only have I met MY person; we found each other at a time when we were both ready to realize and recognize each other.

She is My Person and I love her so.

It Takes Time

In some ways, being out has been easy for me; once I accepted my truth, it became easy to live it. I started to shine and slowly but surely I began to find my identity, I used to feel uncertain where I fit, not quite deserving of a contributing seat at the gay table and yet clearly not meant to fit in the hetero world either.

But all of that has changed, I feel a comfortable camaraderie being lumped into the lesbian stereotypes and happily giggle along with all the gay funnies. Its taken me twenty long years to find myself, but when I finally burst out of that closet, literally everything became clearer.

I live my life according to my own agenda, I pursue love and light and happiness and I will not compromise that which is important to me for anyone ever again. Yet its important to keep things in perspective, to remember my life, my choices and my person have impacts on others.

My family, my parents in particular, are struggling. In their hearts, I know they want me to be happy, and they understand that love is love but having a gay daughter isn’t exactly the same as generally supporting the gay agenda. I know that to them, its a change of massive proportions and that in time, everything will work itself out.

Meeting  my girlfriend’s family last week made my heart swell and gave me a glimpse of family inclusivity. Her family has had virtually her entire adult life to come to terms with her sexuality and its very evident that my girlfriends family loves and accepts her just as  she is; it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

I can only hope that in time, my family will adjust to my new reality and be able to not just accept, but welcome my gay self and my love with open arms.

 

Breathless

I remember the first time I kissed a boy; I was 13, it was a warm summer night and I absolutely hated it. He pressed his lips pressed so hard against mine, his tongue invading my mouth and what I remember most clearly, is an overwhelming inability to breathe.

And in the twenty years that followed, I continued to hate kissing boys and generally avoided it. I convinced myself that my allergies and stuffy nose were the culprit of my distaste and my ex never questioned it. He also accepted that I wasn’t very affectionate and I hated snuggles, cuddles and touching in general.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; I was 19, she was a friend and her kisses felt so right. Soft lips, sensual caresses and an instinctual familiarity and comfort that left me breathless. And somehow over the years that would follow, I would neglect to realize the difference between feeling unable to breathe and feeling breathless and more importantly, just who made me feel each.

This is just one of the signs of my sexuality that I ignored; I wasted years making excuses and choosing not to listen to my intuition and my instincts. I know now that I had it wrong all along, I wasn’t unaffectionate and I didn’t hate kissing, I hated kissing boys.

But where my girlfriend is concerned, I love all the kisses and always seem to need just one more. My girlfriend fills me with love and light and happiness, her kisses are like candy for my soul, filling me with a sweetness that I can never quite seem to get enough of, her touch awakens my nerve endings, sending tiny ripples of energy undulating across my skin.

In her arms, I feel like I’m finally home.

Sometimes

Sometimes I can’t believe that she has chosen me, that each day, she chooses me, just as I choose her. But in truth, loving her is one of the realest, most authentic things I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever stop, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes, I can’t believe how much I want her, how much I crave her presence, her touch, her smile, her laugh. I am magnetized by her energy, we share a current that vibrates with more intensity than I ever could have imagined possible.

Sometimes, I can feel our souls connecting; recharging, revitalizing and communicating on an ethereal level that words could never describe. I believe that everything before was meant to be bring me face to face with the woman who would touch my soul in an instant.

Sometimes, I can’t believe that this life, filled with love and light and happiness, is mine; that all of this is real. That I have co-created a life that fulfills me and found my own joy by becoming the centre of my own universe.

Sometimes, I just sit back and revel in all the love I have for myself, for my life and for my lovely lady, because all that love is absolutely worth savoring.

Say Yes

It’s been a while since I’ve felt inspired; I’ve been caught up in the whirlwind of life, running here, running there, always running somewhere. Despite the chaos, I’m still doing things differently, I’m still doing things for ME. First and foremost, I am taking care of myself. One of the things I’ve been working on, is connecting, in minimal ways, with people that I feel an affinity for.

There are only a few people in my life that I’ve known since high school and still consider a friend; these people are sacred to my heart because they’ve always accepted me just as I am, never with judgement and only with love. I was speaking with one such friend yesterday and when I made a lighthearted comment about being a lesbian, her response was perfect.

Doesn’t it feel great to shout that out?
Because you ARE shouting it out now aren’t you?
And all I could say was YES.

YES, THIS girl is GAY!
YES, it is empowering to finally stop hiding (from myself).
YES, my skin finally feels like it fits.
YES, I am happy, so very happy.

I finally started saying YES to myself and in turn the universe started saying yes to me too. My life is ripe with opportunity, love, light and happiness; all those years I tried to create the ‘perfect life’, but all I had to do was say yes to me and everything began falling into place.