Choose Love

I had a chat today with another Mom in town; her son plays regularly with my boys. Although we’ve talked many times, we’ve never really crossed the bridge into friendship. Today however, we had some honest conversation, that makes me feel like we may one day be friends.

In our conversation, she told me her son had asked about my Girlfriend and I and she told him quite simply, ‘just like at our house there’s a Mommy and Daddy, its like a Mommy and Mommy.’ Apparently he nodded and happily continued on with whatever he was doing, and she commented that although kids are curious, they really don’t care.

And that’s exactly the point; when we don’t make a big deal about things, neither do kids. They truly have an intuitive acceptance for others, provided we don’t teach them otherwise.

Which begs the question, why do so many people choose intolerance?

When adults talk about things that are different (whether that be religion, race, sexuality of anything else) without judgement and without prejudice, not only are we choosing acceptance, we are spreading a message of tolerance to our children and future generations of society.

So I urge you, choose acceptance, choose tolerance and above all, choose love.

Obviously ‘Out’

I recently received a message that included reference to me being ‘obviously out’ (in a totally positive way) and it made me realize how not only my sexuality, but also my perspective, has changed over the past year. Once, I worried that someone would notice my longing gazes were directed at women, but today I find myself grinning when a stranger can identify that I’m gay (especially when my girlfriend isn’t by my side). In no way do I need the validation of strangers or society, but to me, their acknowledgement tells me that my that my exterior is finally a true reflection of who I am on the inside.

I’ve only been ‘out’ for a short time and I still remember feeling cautious, unsure what it would mean to truly feel the feelings that I had. I worried about being judged and becoming a topic of small town gossip. And I even worried that the societal perception that I had a shitty ex-husband and was ‘off men for a while’ might be true (to be clear, its definitely not). I spent a lot time in my head trying to understand what the implications would be if I was gay, if I was out and if people knew that it was women, and not men, that I was attracted to. I think at some level I was simply afraid that my life would be harder if I was gay.

And the truth is, in some ways my life probably is harder, but without question, it’s also happier. I’ll take hard and happy over easy and miserable every single day of the week, and I guess in a sense, we do. My girlfriend and I live in a small mining town, and although I wouldn’t consider everyone in our town inclusive and accepting, there certainly is a subset of the population that are. Since my girlfriend moved in 7 months ago she’s continually amazed how many people know who she is and what our situation is. People know her name, my name, my kids name and the days they are at their dad’s and they have no problem bringing it up and that’s just our reality.

The truth is, it matters a lot less what others think than I ever expected. Perhaps for the first time in my life, my heart is guiding my path and my journey and that gives me the strength to dismiss those that are not worthy of my time or energy.

Today, the happy I’ve earned by being me, far outweighs the fear I had when I felt scared and alone. Never in my wildest dreams could I have anticipated how freeing it would feel to unravel my grip on the life society told me to strive for and instead allow my fingertips to waver in the wind of my soul.

I am home.

For the past three nights, I’ve been away for work.

For three nights, I’ve missed the sound of her breathing and the weight of her head on my chest as I’ve drifted to sleep.

For three mornings, I’ve rolled over only to discover that she isn’t there to snuggle as my body awakens for a new day.

For three days, I’ve missed her in ways I never knew possible.

When I hear the door open, I spin, soapy hands outreached and a grin on my face as she rushes towards me. I jump as she lifts and in an instant, all is well with the world.

We are wrapped up in each other, smiling like giddy school girls as we kiss, again and again, trying to make up for three days in a single moment.

I am so happy to be home.

There are days when I worry.

Someday, I WORRY that I work too much. That my work affects my time with my boys. I get distracted and I get flustered; sometimes for a moment and sometimes for much longer.

There are days, when I WORRY that I’ll lose my job and in an instant my boys world would be turned upside down, again. Work has been challenging lately, and I’ve joked, more than once, about working at the local gas station instead. But the truth is, I provide for my family; I pay child support and spousal support, I own my own home and in a way I pay for my exes home too. Since I left my him (as far as I know) he has only worked part-time, three days a week for three months of the year.

Sometimes, I WORRY about the quality of the time, that I spend with my boys. I am a working mom, and sometimes, I simply want to be lazy, but I’m terrible at it. There’s always something to do, always a chore that needs to be done or a meal that needs to be cooked. Sometimes, when I just don’t want to do anything, I end up feeling guilty; an old habit that isn’t rooted in reality.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I still WORRY that I am too much. I have a heart that loves big and and the resulting feelings I experience, are also big and I know, it can be overwhelming. Not to mention that choosing me, also means choosing my boys and that is a big decision.

But even when I have my moments of worry, there are things that I know to be true. Things that are more beautiful than the tiny thoughts, remnants of old habits, old patterns and the old me that float in my mind.

I KNOW, that I am doing the best that I can. That some days are going to be hard and some days I’m going to knock it out of the fucking park. But I probably shouldn’t swear, because then my kids will ban me from prime rib (my favourite food) for a week. Silly boys don’t understand we can’t afford to eat it anyways.

And all of that, makes me smile. I love the banter that I have with my children, the jokes, the love and the unity that is US. They have seen me blossom and I believe that they see a mom who is happy, who is true and who loves them with all her heart. And if I KNOW that, what is left to worry about?

And my boys, who I refused to let grow up in a home without love, now get to see love and a healthy, communicative relationship. I have a girl, that I plan to share a lifetime with. I KNOW that we share the most beautiful connection, something far more ethereal than my previous understanding of love. I have a girl that makes me feel nothing but love and support when I unapologetically stand before her in all my nerdy, quirky, awkward glory. I love that girl.

I KNOW, that money and material things don’t buy happiness. I KNOW that I will always provide for my family and I will always find a way.  I also know there is no need for concern, both of my bosses and their bosses have taken the time to assure me my performance is good.

But life is about more than performance, its about a joy that comes from within. When I finally let my joy Shine Bright, my world changed and I KNOW I’ll never forget that, especially when I’m having a moment of WORRY.

Living my Happy, Hippy, Homo Life

Not all that long ago, I was plagued by questions; I was alone in a sea of uncertainty. I had no idea who I was, where I was going or even what I wanted for myself in this lifetime.  Nothing is ever certain, and everything can change in a moment, but today (and all the days, if I’m honest) I’m surrounded by peace, self-love and a sense of purpose.

According to Google, purpose is “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.”

I know now, my purpose isn’t to achieve society’s goals; I don’t exist to be a daughter, sister, mother, wife or friend. My success in life cannot be measured by  my marriage (or lack thereof), my job, my home or any other external factor.

There is only one yardstick that can measure my success and it exists within me and me alone. The fullness of my heart, the satisfaction of my soul and the authenticity that shines in my eyes, my smile and everything I do is all that is required to know I’m living my best life.

I love my happy, hippy, homo life and I am proud of the choices I make each and every day to be my authentic self.

And quite frankly, anyone who doesn’t like it can go fuck  themselves.

 

My evolution of Christmas

Four years ago, I was preparing for a Christmas of chaos. I had three families to coordinate, my own husband and children, my parents, siblings and children and my (now very ex) husbands mother, sister and children. I had presents to buy, presents to wrap and most importantly time to allocate between three homes that exist approximately two hours apart, collectively ending up  four hours from home.

In my mind, the years of Christmas chaos begin to blend and I struggle to remember the specifics of each, but I remember feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, guilty and so exhausted.

Three years ago, I was preparing for a Christmas unlike any I had ever known. I was alone, I was sad and I cried many tears. I had friends to pick me up, to keep me busy and to share their joy, but it was hard. However, when I finally gathered with my family and my children again, I felt a freedom I’d never known. Like the anchor I had been dragging behind me had finally been left behind.

Last year, I was surrounded (in my tiny townhouse) with my family; together with my children and my parents we celebrated Christmas in a whole new way. It was small, it was personal and I loved it. When my children went to see their Dad and his family, I spent a week with the most amazing girl, someone whom I couldn’t deny my feelings for and discovered that after a week together the only thing I wanted, was more.

This year, she is part of the family. Together we setup the Christmas tree, we listen to Christmas carols and we bake (gluten free) goodies. Together, we wrote Christmas cards, we bought presents, we hide the damn elf and we wrap the seemingly endless presents. We will have our own Christmas day and then pick up my boys and make the way to my family to celebrate Christmas all together with the family.

This year, I’m excited to see what Christmas will bring; together our idea of Christmas is evolving by the day and I’ve never seen anything quite so beautiful.

So homo

I love that my girlfriend has helped me embrace the humour of gay stereotypes. Last week, I pulled up in my lifted truck, wearing my flannel and listening to loud pop music and I had to giggle as she smiled while announcing I was ‘so homo’.

The first time I heard her say something was ‘so gay’, ‘so homo’ or ‘gayer than us’ I was surprised and a little bit confused. Was it ok to say that? Ok to laugh? I’ve come to realize that its all about the intent.

As gay women, we may be walking a fine line by using words that historically have had negative connotations, but its our choice to own them. It is our perogative to find joy and humour in societies perceptions. The truth is, as individuals and as a couple, we DO fit some gay stereotypes and that’s OK.

We are living our truth, being ourselves and finding our unique brand of happy and that includes embracing our sexuality and our place within a world that is evolving in its acceptance of those that don’t meet traditional expectations.

So when my girlfriend tells me my body language screams gay, I wear that label with pride and a smile on my face, because it turns out, I am in fact, ‘so homo’.